和父母出柜了，终于……

 出柜主要原因是自己的孤独感让我自己都无法承受了，尤其疫情2年多，没有性，没有爱，觉得自己是世界上最孤独的人，真的觉得自己会孤独一辈子，找不到爱我我也爱的人。希望出柜后能和父母分享做为gay找爱的路。

10月21号给爸爸出，他很快就ok了

11月21日，妈妈看到了我寄给家的出柜信。我没想到妈妈的反应会如此激烈：哭了一晚上，几乎没睡，第二天早午饭都没吃，拒绝和我说话。无论我发啥科普同性恋的视频和文章她都不想看。连爸爸也不想看，爸爸也被妈妈影响了，潜意识里觉得同性恋不是正常的。那天晚上我很伤心，觉得连父母都不支持我，觉得同性恋是艾滋病，是吸毒，是抑郁症，让我觉得我自己身体里精神里都是毒。

第二天，我又和妈妈发了一个科普视频，她回复说：不要再发了，她不想看，希望我以后不要回国，就算回了也不要在武汉，本来准备给我寄的30万也不寄了，让我不要和亲戚说，让我洁身自好注意健康。

我看后再也没回复她，我哭了很久。我心里既伤心又生气，当晚做事特别利落，有种放弃自己啥都不care的状态。觉得自己没工作也是激起妈妈的原因，但我不认为她应该把有没有工作和我是gay相联系。那晚上我有时候特别气愤，气愤为什么你不理解我，我作为gay已经承受很多了，你作为妈妈都不理解，你让我一个孩子怎么坚持下去，我讨厌妈妈的臭脾气，遇到不好的事就是骂，不管对谁，她得高血压就是自己脾气，那晚我也冲动，一气之下把她微信删了。那晚也是很久以来我决定要做一个新的自己，不要拖延，不要怕失败，我对很多事很frustrated，那晚我把网易新闻删了，推特删了，微信上的人都设为不看他们朋友圈，因为我不想内耗自己，我不需要看乱七八糟的东西，我需要静一下，好好想黑五买什么，我要买护肤品让自己皮肤变白嫩，我要买抗抑郁维他命让自己情绪变好，我要多看看衣服搭配让自己变时尚，我要取小红书看看我扁平塌的发质适合什么发型，我要继续健身增肌，我要变成sexy男人，我要fuck更多帅哥，做更多hot sex，我要提高交流技巧，提高说话/聊天skill，我要着手找工作，我要考证，我要看看自己未来职业到底做什么，我这些以前都没做，天天看手机全内耗了，我他妈不care移民了，为了身份做什么都迟疑。我现在只想做我心里像成为的那个我。我不会自杀或hate自己，因为生命很短，人类很短，我想活出the fullest life。

他妈的人生，我不care no more，我就这样做我想做的

resetting

 Nov 12, 2022

watched Mel Robbin's videos on the 5-seconds rule & not putting cellphone in bedroom.

gave me inspirations. 

trying her mind reset videos.

tonight, for the fucking 1st time. i put my phones away.

i finally communicated to William after almost 4 months. 

my inner body feels irratable, idk why. like i wanna scream out of my frustrations...

i wanna read a book to calm down and sleep...

25岁的小龙都找到工作了。我的未来在哪？

 小龙几天前拿了证，今天在养老院找到了lvn的工作，时薪34美元，真为他高兴。

我自己的事我自己最清楚，也是最无能为力的，我的未来将如何？年过30，今年32，逐渐感到事业/工作对个人价值，和dating上的影响。我现在在性，爱情，和事业上已经Lost and confused，掉入了黑洞。我和30岁前已经感到心理发生了变化，尤其是性和dating方面。

然而我还是会努力，快乐的生活。今晚还去hardisty健身了

其实我现在应该是最快乐的人之一，here‘s why

 没有理由烦恼啊。。。。。

 

1.  研究生毕业了！！！ 这么他妈的难的项目，我自己都不敢相信那么多磕磕碰碰，我真的succeed了！

2.三年工签得到。困扰我3年的难题。因为情况特殊，没人能给我答案。也因为这个让我在学业，打工，快乐感各方面being weighed down，做事不果断，爱迟疑和犹豫。

3. 以及有了一年可移民的work experience，到时候reference letter也可以随便开。因为有刘阿姨。

4. 对于潜在的移民失败，我现在比原来想的更开了。现在留下和回去更像60/40，原来觉得回去像奔赴刑场一样苦逼。就算失败，我对于回去也蛮期待的。自己年龄大了，觉得国外虽安逸，但太孤独，我朋友又少，父母也需要我照顾。

 

5. 我目前不需要面对复杂的同事关系。serena&mars他们虽然负能量很多 ，但毕竟就一随便的工作，一周也就2天在zoom上几小时，也不用见他们，想到底真没值得我担心的。工资虽延迟但总是要发的。而且就算有啥事总是有刘阿姨的。

所以，我想到这些真的觉得我目前是最快乐的人之一，但我却忘了想想这5点，尤其是前3点，而一直为serena，mars和工资迟发而内耗。mental filtering思维惯性真的能把人生遮的出处是惨状和阴影。serena，mars这些发臭的路边草请从我脑子里滚粗吧，谢谢～

给Serena的一封信

 Serena，

你就是一个前台而已，但我不知道为什么心里总觉得你故意不给我按时发工资。可能因为工资每两周一发总是会让我想起，而且目前pr没拿到，这个工作又和移民挂钩，也不想找让刘阿姨让她觉得我很纠结她看来的小事，这些种种因素让我不想完全搞砸这个工作里的人际关系，所以会有时候情绪十分内耗。暑假前你说了暑假里更多老师拿支票，可以尽量准时 ，而且上次你也说了那次等5天确实比较晚。那我现在就不懂了为什么发的越来越晚。问了你你也不回复，你不是说保持沟通吗？这就是你工作态度？也许这个工资背后的水很深，有的你也不方便告诉我，但我不知道为什么，就觉得你在故意整我。你就是故意等到老外都要发下一次了再给我发。这样好像你在我上面一样，真可笑，有本事你不发敢不敢？你以前有几次明细表也是忘发，每次让我等的也很急，但我说话也都是客客气气。但是这次问了你你不说话，这就是你的问题了。我不会让你这样一个不重要的人影响我对教学的兴趣，也许这就是你的目的，但我不会傻到那一步。你就是讨厌我，那又怎么样？我根本不会在乎。因为你就像路边的一根草，未来我们不会共事，不会为升职竞争。mars也是，做事那么粗心的人，同样不值得我内耗情绪。为你苦恼真的内耗我精力，反正工资你再晚也要发。超过4周我就有充足理由给刘阿姨反映。虽然我在森林山的认真做事从来不是因为有阿姨的关系，但至少在这种不公平待遇上面我背后有人。也许你觉得你就是每小时18刀的工资但干了很多活，而我是30刀，但我也没有每周追问你，而问了你工资发的越来越晚的事你不回复，那就是你自己的问题。我不会让本来是你的问题来让我自己不高兴。工资迟发这件事至始至终我没有做错一件事，都是学校管理层的问题。你和我都是学校的基层，你估计工作量也不小，给我统计了一年的明细表你也有怨气，这样想想我也不值得因为你而烦恼。也许因为每两周发一次所以每次我都会想到工资被迟发吧。我不知道你和mars背后有没有串通起来整我，不过是又怎样呢。我不需要和你们每天面对面，我一周也就2天上zoom工作几小时而已。

 

等我以后从森林山辞职了，你和我也就像擦肩而过的路人 ，各走各的轨道永远不会相遇。我希望我现在就会和那时候一样，你的各种负能量无法辐射到我。

 

我的生活应该focus在积极的人和对我好的人，而不是你。你就像一根路边发臭的草，为一根发臭的草不高兴我也是不知道为什么。我需要想的是jean，william，刘阿姨，父母，外婆，以前的教授，以及让我feel uplifting的人。请你从我的mind里圆润滚粗。谢谢。

Michael

I don't care no more. I don't give a fuck about immigration

My mind, my thinking, and my speed of making decisions or forming judgment has been obviously slowed by depressed thinking, nervousness, and general uncertainty. i am not feeling happy or positive.

my life in north america has not been treated well. white people are selfish and albertans are rude. so why waste my time?

Don't be overly anxious about immigration. Just let it be. do what u need to do. but do not ruminate. do not over think. 

some thoughts on my long history of morbid procrastination

it even took me this long to write a confession about my procrastination problem. so u know how serious it is.

i think it's cuz i care so heavily and so serious about good results. sometimes i think im being lazy.

the lastest procrastination is the PGWP. i waited till last minuate, and i found out after i applied that my student status was no longer valid... i may be rejected for the PGWP. my whole 4 years of plan of immigration to Canada could be ruined.

my procrastination history started since i, if i remember correctly, started preparing for the toefl test. i think the reason was i was hooked on facebooking with online people from western countries...

then it also happened in college. i always wanted to do well in all my classes, but i guess at the same time i was away from parents' control, i didn't practice good time management skills and self study habits...and when combined wth perfectionism in grades, i chose to procrastinate, and for almost every class except Janpanese 101, i waited until last week and many cases, last day to cram for exams.

i always regret procrastination, but then the next semester it would repeat. like a ghost haunting

and then it was going back to china in 2013 after college, i waited and waited to apply for jobs. a lot of the reason was inability to adjust chinese life after living in the trinity and american bubble.


then i prosrctinated again on asking profs for recommendation letters. it should be easy to ask, but i do have to draft nice letters to request, so trying to write the perfect letter, i procrstinated, fearing they would refuse to write.... eventually 95% of them said yes. my false belief was wrong.


then same again for classes at u of a, challenging classes made it worse...

and then the PGWP, i procratinated so much to ask profs for explanation letter because i really really fear they would say no,,,,, so i kept ruminating. for months... literally... from July to November. wow... i thought and thought, and waited, and waited for months on the possible things after i ask them for the letter.... would they say no? would they ask me for details? eventually i waited until start of Dec. i drafted my letter actually only in 3 days in Dec. all the previous months was spent ruminating and now as i would say, a waste of time. because Todd turned me down coldly. and took me twice to convince Heather to write me one, and the one she gave me was written not in my favor... so i wasted all the months.


i wasted all the time that i should apply before my study permit became invalid in October 2. it was all useless thinking about it...


 i guess if i don't care too much about a certain thing. maybe i won't proscratinate.  i never procratinate cooking or other things. maybe cuz i enjoy doing them...

maybe if i go back to china, i should get a job that i at least enjoy doing... follow my passion, not immigration's job list which made me feel down and depressed and it was feeling so stupid.

but why did i procrastnate on buying canada goose for dad's colleague? that shouldn't be hard... why? im not sure...maybe it was selfish on buying things for parents first...


i know i may highly likely to procrastinate again, but i think what i should do is to correct my expectation for things. convine me truly that it's ok to do things wrong and ordinarily. it's ok to start early foolish and gradually improve on them. i hope, i really hope, evne though i still doubt i could follow what im writing here, but i really hope that i can heal from the nightmarish habit of morbid procrastination.

Writing on the date of Jan 9 AM after finding out i may be rejected for the stupid PGWP