599 final was April 17, Wed, which was last Wed. Today is Mon, and tomorrow is my Econ 101 final, Thursday Econ 281 final.
Even though I'm now sitting in Cameron library's basement, supposed to be pouring full efforts into 101 preparation, i can't help but worrying about the imminent grade release from 599, because it's been almost a week since 599 final, so Pro Liu may be releasing grade in 2 or 3 days, based on last year's 7 days grade release since final exam day...
I can't describe enough how fucking worried and overwhelmed right now both physically and mentally... My head feels inflated with pressure, but heart is pounding nervously, my body feels warm due to the worrying... it feels nothing but uncertainty, like an imminent danger is on its way...
I keep sighing and sighing... i feel bad, i feel really really nervous, my head feels like it's going to faint, and it's all because of i really fear whether im gonna pass 599 this time or not...
Last year, my first attempt at 599 was a terrible failure throughout the semester... i couldn't understand a word from his lectures. the paper replication was brutal and i had no idea what to do... the whole course felt like an unguided journey to the black hole in the universe, and i am not exaggerating... so, even though i got a D in the end, i did't and i don't blame myself... Liu is a terribly and horribly incompetent teacher... i just don't blame myself for failing. it was the first time i failed a required course in my program. oh yeah, everyone has defeats in their lives. and there I came...
But I do worry everyday still.... I am worried dead about Econ 599.... it's been a demon for me, inflicting so much pain on me since last year. my heartbeat for sure raises whenever I think about 599.... I worry about failing it again, cuz i have been fighting to survive this MA Econ program for 3 years now, everyday was a challenge! my parents have been pouring money in my tuition and living expenses for 3 fucking years! in total, the financial costs is about $60,000 CAD for these 3 years... OMG... that's a lot, a lot, a lot of money for a Chinese middle class family... So you see why I am so afraid of not surviving the program.. because it simply has costed me and my family so much mental effort, financial efforts, and physical efforts... it's really really costly in multiple dimensions... so, failing is a crash on my family, a catastrophe on our hopes...
Ever since the first day in Sep 2016, the first day of class, i knew something is really different from my undergrad. i simply ceased to comprehend the lectures... at all... macro, micro, metrics... nothing like i learned before... it may be due to my mediocre records at college, maybe the widely recognized fundamental difference between undergrad and grad Econ, or it may be the different ways of schooling between the US and Canada. It's no exaggeration to say that it felt like an unguided journey to the black hole in the universe!
But i didn't give up. In the second week, i actually chatted with parents about quitting the program, since i may not likely to get the 3 year visa and the program is too challenging.. but parents persuaded me to stay and stick it out, reasoning that a master's degree is worth getting, even if i have to go back to China. So I stayed...
I wrote to the program Chair about my difficulty, and he suggested to withdraw courses, so i only took macro and environmental Econ in the fall 2016 semester... It was still very difficult for me, especially for macro... macro just seems . fundamentally different from my under grad. i don't know why... maybe im taking gap years of 3 years and brain isn't as good as before... it's amazing and challenging to feel this difference...
second semester, Econ 497, i still felt challenging. third semester, fall 2018, wow. micro503, metrics598, metrics399.... even though i didn't study all the time, but i can't think of another semester in which i was so stressed and nervous about classes... during the Dec preparation periods before final exams, the stress was just overwhelming... i didn't understand the metrics notes, and i had to ask the females prof every single office hours....she got impatient eventually... well fuck her for the unprofessionalism. same for 503... it felt magical that i passed both with a C+, it felt like a magical force grabbed me from falling down into a fiercely monstrous waterfall...
I was ecstatic about passing, but soon i was burned out (now i think), when it came to the next semester of winter 2018. also, there was my constant battle for perfectionism which is detrimental to success. Prof Liu, the worst prof i have ever had in my life, confused me in every aspect of the class. he teaches you things that will never never be tested... then the paper replication was about whole another realm.... wait for me for 5 min, im gonna post another fail rating on ratemyprof about him.... the WHs are never tested on finals... when i don't understand what's going on in this class, i panicked, i felt paralyzed... i honestly don't know what to do... So everything about 599 is a joke! joke! everyone had some degrees of amusing thing to say about him! not so good thing! i will never regret in the future about hating him so much as a professor!!! just unbelievably bad bad.... he is a criminal compared to the amazing profs at Trinity...
i failed eventually with a D, a stupid and fuckingly ridiculous D, from a D rated professor (rolling my eyes as i wrote this). The there came the even more stupid suspension letter for the stupid and fat Heather Eckert, which i will never understand . think of is that: either she is a bully of power, a dictator, or: she is mental retard due to the fact that she is too fat to enjoy amazing sex life.
After the appeal process, i think i became more anxiety person. anxious about meeting my classmates from 599, anxious about Econ classes, anxious about retaking 599.... self doubting myself constantly. it's also obvious that i easily forget things which i didn't do often before... i think they have some associations with these nasty things that i had to went through.
eventually, there was January 2019, to retake Econ 599.... it felt shameful and of course, nervous, sitting in that classroom again. but whatever... it was a hard semester still, less hard than the first time cuz now i know how stupid he is. the first month was spent every weekday on metrics theory review and stata refreshments. weekends i still met with William for relaxation. first month came by so quickly... Then there came the bomb: paper replication..... wow, so for the next 4 weeks, every single day... my life was revolved around the replication...... i recorded my daily details on weibo dir the entire replication periods... it was the countable one or two times in my life that i was pouring all my lifetime into something cuz i just feel like it's too hard for me and i really can't waste a second... the result was good, even though we never got a grade from him, but i felt i did well.... so hopefully it didn't raise a radar for him about me....
then there was this paper proposal which i had to personally meet with him.... it felt very shameful to write that email to confirm appointment.... it also took me lots of effort to write things down on a-few papers to present me as fully prepared.... and find enough data and things to prepare in case he has questions for me and i certainly never wanted to stand out as being clueless during the meeting... sigh... so much pressure for that.... but eventually, the meeting went well, and he liked the paper idea, and actually said "good"...... it felt soooo relieved to hear that....... at least i didn't make a bad impression.... may even be a positive one....
the lectures this semester are confusing and hardly understood, just as usual.... but im used to it... the majority of notes are not gonna be even touched upon in the final.... now i know.... so i wasn't pouring my tears and sweats on wasting at the notes... thank god to the previous semester...
the 3 weeks following the submission of paper replication was mostly burned out... and i didn't do much... 2 weeks were wasted following the fiscal analyst interview notice, which got my so ecstatic but horribly nervous. Perfectionism re-surfaced, crashed my schedules, my life, my sleep, i really really really glad that it picked my resume for interview, and i really really really wanted to have that job!! but perfectionism never meet realistic expectations. it paralysed me.... i was thinking about the interview all week... but i just laid on bed.... i didn't take actual actions....... i really wanted to ace it inside of me, but outside of me, there was nothing done to improve my chances... i waited until 7pm the Sunday before the monday interview..... prepared the whole night.... couldn't sleep....at all.... I didn't get the job, which i totally expected.... they were considerate to send me the rejection letter the day after my 599 final...
i was right.. i said to myself, 599 is more important than the job... so the whole 1.5 weeks before the 599 final.... i put my life into it... i stopped cooking, and eating at the hub all the time. ho ho chinese food tasted really good. expensive of course... i kept a daily jornal on weibo documenting my mental progress each day...it was nervous process... during the day, i first focused on the theory part of 599, looking for outside sources to help me understand the main testable theories, cuz Liu's lecture notes are a joke. i found a youtube channel called "econometris academy" pretty good, as well as my introductory metrics textbook. i rarely resorted to using Liu's materials.... then at 10pm or 11pm, i would go to Tory to work on the term paper.... it was the first time in my life that i spent more than a week composing a term paper..... it was a challenging, rewarding, and nervous 1.5 weeks of preparation.... i remmeber one night i felt really really down and hopeless and nervous after failing to understand some probit and logit theories... then i felt paralyzed, all in my mind was thinking about receiving a fail grade in 599, and i wanted to kill xingfei, and i had to go back to china...... that night, i ended up wasting my time after 8:30pm until 3:30am thinking about unrelated matters....
then that night, after getting home, i wrote at my weibo blog about committing the dangerous sin of perfectionism again.... warning my self that it's only gonna ruin my test preparation... i said to myself: you MUST be confident and MUST keep going no matter how confused you are or how you failed to understand materials... cuz you have to move on... so in the next few days.. i kept that in mind, and didn't commit perfectionism again....
i submitted my term paper to xingfei... in that zip file i added the mising value codes and paper stata codes.... everything that he wanted to see... he replied with a " Received, thanks".
then the next day,,, the final exam....... the eventual and inevitable slaughter house.... it was easier than i anticipated.... there was multinomial logit, IV, some stats related question, and 2 big policy evaluation questions... i prepared for these during preparation, and these were my main focus cuz i guessed his major focus on the final... it wasn't bad... i think i scored around 70 to 77.... not a great score, but at least i don't think it would fail the final.......
5 days after the final really really felt fantastic and stress-free. it felt like a disabled person finally got the chance to do normal things.... just as excited as that!!! my heartbeat felt so calm and normal, i tested my blood pressure and it was under optimal even in the first check... before the final it was always above the optimal reading for the first time. the effect of reduced stress on my physical health was immediate....
now monday, as i sat in the library preparing for tomorrow's 101 final, i suddenly became nervous again about 599's final grades.... even though i def did much better than last year, and i didn't raise a red flag this year, i still feel very very nervous..... i think it has become a automatic panic attack for me... until i see the final grade, i will always be super stressed about this class......
when i stress to the point of physical impairment, i write them down.... it feels kinda like talking to a counselor...also i want to record my mental journey during this most stressful time of my life, soin the future i could look back......
Two outcomes for Econ 599: pass (C+ or above), fail (C or below)...... i have no clue which i'll end up.... i have so much concerns... i even changed my name from Michael last year to Yuanqi this year, hoping he will remember me less.... i don't know if he is so stubborn that he thinks he will keep failing me this year... i don't know if he thinks that a student who committed plagiarism will never deserve to walk out of this university with a MA degree.... i don't know if my term paper this year will give him some , at least some, positive impression..... so many uncertainties.....
But regardless.... regardless what he thinks... it's outside my control now...i have done my best to survive this class, i have doen my best mentally to keep going this far.... my whole family has done their best to root for me.... we have done everything we could... So, no more wishing he could blablabla... no more... life is life... If an 9.0 earthquake struck, then there was your fate.... on 911 attack day, there was their fate for those 6000+ victims in the twin tower... So, whether he passes or fails me this year, it's my fate.... it's part of life.... failure is normal, success is also normal... so, be calm if you see 599 grade of C or C-. Welcome it. You have improved. Embrace the improvement.
China is getting better everyday, Wuhan is getting prettier every day. if i fail, well, I go back to Wuhan... i don't think this time i wanna go to first tier cities anymore. I just wanna feel cozy and be close to my parents, my grandmother. we can go visit places in Wuhan on weekends, live in their suburban house, eat interesting foods... and i will never have to waste shits on stupid roommates anymore....
So, stupid Xingfei Liu, go fail me! fail me! I am not afraid!! i will never succumb to you no matter the outcome is! fail is life, success is life. My aunt's daughter didn't finish middle school, and she is doing fine working at a community police station in Xinjiang earning 1500 yuan a month, very basic salary, but she didn't starve to death. she is at least happier than i am. and the more I endured the turtute, the more i hope i can be a happier person.
so just go fucking fail me Xingfei. really. i have done what i can. I am a human. I make mistakes, I make progress. I also make people change. I make people love me, I make people look down on me. I make the world change. I make myself different based on world conventions. I am a human. Just go with the flow. don't commit crimes. love my parents, love my grandmother, and most importantly, be happy, be content, be grateful.
I do still feel nervous, but i'll talk to myself to focus on my tomorrow's 101 final. That's all for now.
