I don't care no more. I don't give a fuck about immigration

My mind, my thinking, and my speed of making decisions or forming judgment has been obviously slowed by depressed thinking, nervousness, and general uncertainty. i am not feeling happy or positive.

my life in north america has not been treated well. white people are selfish and albertans are rude. so why waste my time?

Don't be overly anxious about immigration. Just let it be. do what u need to do. but do not ruminate. do not over think. 

some thoughts on my long history of morbid procrastination

it even took me this long to write a confession about my procrastination problem. so u know how serious it is.

i think it's cuz i care so heavily and so serious about good results. sometimes i think im being lazy.

the lastest procrastination is the PGWP. i waited till last minuate, and i found out after i applied that my student status was no longer valid... i may be rejected for the PGWP. my whole 4 years of plan of immigration to Canada could be ruined.

my procrastination history started since i, if i remember correctly, started preparing for the toefl test. i think the reason was i was hooked on facebooking with online people from western countries...

then it also happened in college. i always wanted to do well in all my classes, but i guess at the same time i was away from parents' control, i didn't practice good time management skills and self study habits...and when combined wth perfectionism in grades, i chose to procrastinate, and for almost every class except Janpanese 101, i waited until last week and many cases, last day to cram for exams.

i always regret procrastination, but then the next semester it would repeat. like a ghost haunting

and then it was going back to china in 2013 after college, i waited and waited to apply for jobs. a lot of the reason was inability to adjust chinese life after living in the trinity and american bubble.


then i prosrctinated again on asking profs for recommendation letters. it should be easy to ask, but i do have to draft nice letters to request, so trying to write the perfect letter, i procrstinated, fearing they would refuse to write.... eventually 95% of them said yes. my false belief was wrong.


then same again for classes at u of a, challenging classes made it worse...

and then the PGWP, i procratinated so much to ask profs for explanation letter because i really really fear they would say no,,,,, so i kept ruminating. for months... literally... from July to November. wow... i thought and thought, and waited, and waited for months on the possible things after i ask them for the letter.... would they say no? would they ask me for details? eventually i waited until start of Dec. i drafted my letter actually only in 3 days in Dec. all the previous months was spent ruminating and now as i would say, a waste of time. because Todd turned me down coldly. and took me twice to convince Heather to write me one, and the one she gave me was written not in my favor... so i wasted all the months.


i wasted all the time that i should apply before my study permit became invalid in October 2. it was all useless thinking about it...


 i guess if i don't care too much about a certain thing. maybe i won't proscratinate.  i never procratinate cooking or other things. maybe cuz i enjoy doing them...

maybe if i go back to china, i should get a job that i at least enjoy doing... follow my passion, not immigration's job list which made me feel down and depressed and it was feeling so stupid.

but why did i procrastnate on buying canada goose for dad's colleague? that shouldn't be hard... why? im not sure...maybe it was selfish on buying things for parents first...


i know i may highly likely to procrastinate again, but i think what i should do is to correct my expectation for things. convine me truly that it's ok to do things wrong and ordinarily. it's ok to start early foolish and gradually improve on them. i hope, i really hope, evne though i still doubt i could follow what im writing here, but i really hope that i can heal from the nightmarish habit of morbid procrastination.

Writing on the date of Jan 9 AM after finding out i may be rejected for the stupid PGWP

some thoughts on possible PGWP rejection and going back to China

i found out i may be rejected for PGWP on Jan 8, 2020. if that happens, i have to go back to china. so naturally a lot of my thoughts and confusions center around going back to china and its anxiety.

i do have this fear of going back to China. after 7 years abroad, i have used to living in north america. i am used to the language, the people, met nice people, used to doing things the way north america operates.

the biggest fear of china is its intensive work culture. i read online about the 996 system of working and exploiting people to death. there is no fun, everything is work. and a lot of stupid rules and rigid things to do that is not actually improving the actual work.

for example, even in the MSL at the big beijing city, they don't issue interns with cards, so i had to secretly follow other ppl to enter building. treating us like secondary workers while expecting us to work a lot. this is just disrepsectful.

also, phobe doesn't actually know much things about our job such as how to do the monthly report, but she demands us to do it well. so stupid.. i hate the stupid training system.

it just occurs to me that a lot of things in china are not professionally managed. and i don't like that. in the north america, everything seems orderly and lawful.

secondly, the people. if i go back to china, i just wanna work in wuhan because im so mentally tired. i don't feel like i have the energy to work hard to make a living in 1st tire city. but wuhan people are known to be rude and selfish and like to take advantage of simple people. i don't wanna get taken advantage of.

also, you can't return products in china. but i like to try different cosmetic products, and in north america, you can return even after using. but in china, you can't!

also the food is not good there. there is very lack of organic food, no good milk, no good yoghurt. most food are high card. western food are very expensive.

i also don't like the authoritarian regime. no freedom. even though freedom doesn't equate happiness.


the things that i think are worth going back to china is my parents and other family members: both parents are getting old and have chronic illnesses. it's my turn to take care of them instead of leaving them alone. after so many years abroad, it does make me feel lonely at the inner heart, everything is on myself to solve. sometimes it feels mentally hard being alone in another country. so going home at least there are parents and other families to share my burden.

another good thing of being back to china is easier to find gay guys, either for sex or bf. not that easy in north america for someone like me who prefer asian guys.

i guess i have to be positive if i do have to go back. more and more it feels like it's my destiny. i kept making mistakes on my road of immigrating to either the us or canada. but i thought about them, worried about them, procrastinated due to them, almost every day... but still couldn't do it. so if that is the case, then i just have to come to terms with the fact that i have really tried my best and accept reality.

the younger generation of china have better qualities than western peers. so hopefully i will like china in the future by working with them.  the most toxic thing that made me fear china is, may be the insane work culture. i want to have time to work out, relax, and enjoy my hobbies. i have heard many cases of workers getting heart problem or other problems from long hours of work. that is just stupid on the work culture.

but, life is life. i don't think im that happy in north america, and i don't wanna go back to china and if i do i may be  not that happy either. so i guess i will find either one eventually to find my eventual balance.

Realizing I may be rejected for the PGWP

Jan 8, 2020. I was in bed and read an article on wechat by a Chinese immigration agency about recently rejected cases of PGWP... because their study permit was not valid when they were applying. all of the problems stem from me not realizing that one's study permit stops being valid 90 days after he completes study.

So i applied when in fact, my study permit was invalid, which was against the rule. thus, I may be rejected for the PGWP.

So, i was at first shocked, then i felt calmer.  cuz it just made me so tired. the whole thing.... i have thought, considered, planned the PGWP for 3 years ever since even before i arrived in Canada in 2016. and now i just found out this big mistake that i didn't know the whole time???

something must be wrong with me staying in the west. something must be calling me home. if i have no choice, then i will go home... it's just been so tiring. i had so high expectation on the prepration of the PGWP, and now it's like it's all ruined because i messed up on the first and foremost "status validity" issue!

I hate canada, i hate their way of doing things. slow and inefficient. cold and angry and rude albertans.

on their PGWP website they didn't mention the 90 day validity rule at all! son of a bitch. i will not waste my time and energy and worries in this country no more.

but i think if i will have to leave, i will miss the people that i got to spend true quality time with: william.

I will miss William for sure for quite a while i think, i will cry and cry. he's the sweetest and nicest guy i've ever met... without him, it's gonna be quite an adjustment for me...

life goes on. i'll see what  comes next...

Random thoughts on asking professors for Support Letter for the PGWP

The PGWP is a big deal, it really is. It is probably my biggest concern and biggest wishlist of coming to Canada. it is my ultimate goal. Getting my MA degree is only a connecting bridge for me. Even though due to increasing pressure from academics and the possibility of not being able to graduate, over the course of these three years, the PGWP is almost as important as getting the MA econ degree.

I have always worried about not being able to get the 3 year PGWP ever since starting to apply to grad schools as early as late 2015. I knew well in advance that if the immigration officer finds out that my program is 1 year, then he may very likely only issue me a 1 year PGWP...

After I came to Canada, through orientations and workshops and asking the specialists at the UofA's international centre, I was always given a vague answer regarding how many years of permit could I be issued, they always say half and half chance, due to the fact that my program website states that it can be completed in 10 months.  so i was always feeling uncertain and worried.

eventually, i came to terms with it. i began to accept to live with uncertainty... partly cuz academics was already drove me so hopeless and depressed. so i thought that as long as i made to graduation, i would still be proud of myself regardless of the PGWP...

two things worried me the most in regard of the PGWP: 1: if the completion letter doesn't state program length, then the officer may search website and find out the program length, if he does that, then im more likely to be doomed..... 2: new regulations after March 2019 requires both completion letter and transcript, but my 1st term was part-time.... so there is a chance i could get disqualified for the PGWP completely...

ever since entering U OF A in 2016, I have been asking many people regarding the 1st problem... but always no certain answer.... the FGSR told me they don't state length... so i was left clueless about how the officers find out program length.... different ppl told me different things... so there is always an uncertainty...

Eventually, after i graduated in July 2019, I finally wrote the completion letter request to FGSR after many days of procrastination and internal worry. cuz i really felt so concerned and worried if they don't issue the program length... then if that happened, everything i had worried and imagined would become true and come to haunt me... I have worried about the completion letter for 3 years...so i finally and eventually got the courage to write the completion letter request, I kindly added to provide start date and end date in my request...

God has mercy! God I love you. God must heard my cries and wishes for 3 years... When i received the completion letter in email, the FGSR included my start date and end date!!!!! that means the officer in most cases would just refer to this as my program length! All my 3 years of worries finally came to an end...I felt amazing on that day, almost felt like magic was being dropped on me... i felt so happy and blessed on that day...

But i still had to confront the 2nd problem: transcript.....ever since after the Fall2016 in which i withdrew 2 courses and became part-time, i sought help from the specialists from U of A's international centre... they told me it's better to get a support letter explaining the circumstances that happened in Fall 2016... I have always been worried about asking for it....

Im worried what if professors don't wanna write this letter, im worried about how i should go about writing such letter to professors in the first place. im worried and could feel disgusted in advance by the feeling of inconvenience and rejection if the professor refused to write a letter.

The worries are exactly the reason i kept procrastinating writing the letter to professors until around Dec 10 2019. I couldn't wait more, cuz Jan 3 is the deadline. so, i forebode the worries and concerns and fears, and still wrote the letters to Todd carefully... explaining everything i would like him to know.. it was a long email....

Todd said he's on medical leave and not working, thus cannot write a letter.....

I felt very dismayed... and nervous and sad and insecure.... cuz everything I feared came true: being rejected for a support letter....

But the rejection kind of motivated me to keep working... cuz i was like: ok fuck you, u r just a lazy prof who don't care for students and don't care for work. u just like ur leisure and stupid hockey. so it's ur problem and not mine. im gonna just do my best. i shouldn't waste time on a loser and fat guy like you who ended up sick anyway....

So on the night of the same day, i wrote another request to Heather Eckert, the bitch who wouldn't let me retake econ 599 a year before. I didn't take more time rewriting or polishing the email. i simply shortened it a bit for the sake of being concise...

She never replied. I sent her another email in 4 days, still no replies...

Oh well, yeah i felt a bit bad, but not that bad. cuz i know she doesn't like me and probably jealous me of being able to pass 599 and eventually graduate, which is everything against what she anticipated! hahahaha, stupid old fat bitch cunt. she was wrong with everything about me!!! she is probably being dumbfounded by the whole thing still... heather, oh well, stupid bitch. her CV shows she rarely published her own paper, except when she worked together with other profs. also took her i think more than 10 years to reach associate professor... stupid~~


so... everything i feared happening in regard to asking prof for support letter ended up coming true....
i felt a bit helpless, but at the same time i had this urge to fight against this feeling of victimization...... i video chatted with mom and grandmom about it, vented my anger and the stupid heather thing. and i actually felt not THAT bad........ being rejected by both profs actually lowered my pressure a bit, cuz now i just need to write my own support letter......


I already felt grateful about the completion letter's program length... so profs' rejections on the support letter wasn't a huge blow...at least one of the UA's immigration specialists told me it's perfectly fine to write the support letter myself... at least that gave me lots of assurance.


this is the last week before Xmas break. I must ask the UA's specialists everything i need to ask: about wether it's still necessary to point out the Fall 2016 part-time, if it's ok to write the letter myself, and other online application questions....

Just do my best. do what i can do....just be no regret... enjoy the process.

Some confessions before Econ 999 grade release

Econ 999 is the last class in my MA program. It may very likely be the last class in my career of formal schooling.  If I pass (C+ or better), I get my ticket to getting my MA Economics degree. it's hard, very hard, very very hard for me. From the first day of entering the first class in 2016 to present, there is not a single moment that I didn't feel fully challenged... every class I had to record the lecture to listen to it later, otherwise, I seriously have doubts of not being able to pass.


My anxiety got a lot worse after last summer's feud with that stupid fat bitch heather. After that, I just felt that anything can pop up and hinder my path to my degree.


For this Econ 999 class, I don't think I would fail. Even though after all the pains and sufferings and anxieties from Econ 599 and the shit with Heather, I still have post-traumatic stress/fears/anxieties about failing... I also have some anxieties about professor Vera, who always looks aloof and secretive. it may be just her Central Europeans personalities. but in Econ 598, she was extremely strict about grading. if you made just a single mistake, then the whole points on that question were gone! even though I struggled intensely and managed to score above average in the midterm, I  failed the final and got C+. So I don't know what's gonna happen for 999....  I just feel that this program is so weird... and unfit for me.... weird professor, weird things popping up... and stupid chair.


But for 999, I completed every component, did what she asked, and submitted everything on time that was supposed to be submitted. I also did not raise a red flag during the term, unlike during Econ 599. So even though I still have fears, anxieties, I think my chances of passing Econ 999 is higher than failing... Even if I fail I still have summer term to raise my grade...


Yeah, lastly, I have no regret for anything about Econ 999...


Im tired... tired of being anxious for nothing, tired of worrying too much that I feel like less a normal human being.  Tired of hiding myself in my library. tired of not passing a class.... for every core class, it have been this same feeling. it feels like shit..... Econ 503, 598, 599, and then another 599..... it was quite a struggle to open beartrack and view my grades..... im tired... and being anxious makes no difference. if my performance didn't get my a pass, then i fail, as in the case of 599 in winter 2018.... im tired.... tired of this program, tired of this school, and maybe tired of this country... i just wanna say: fuck you, fuck canada, fuck this pathetic public school U of A,  fuck the aloof-looking and cold canadians, FUCK heather, fuck christina, i don't care the outcome, cuz i did what i could do.

So i guess I'll just stay my cool and wait for the outcome then...

Something to think about for tonight

今天周二，去william家吃fish hotpot，来了几个他父母的朋友，基本都是老移民，在这里打工的那种。

其中一个上海的老移民，男的，50，60岁的样子，在大统华打工，听我说我来了10年了，还没有拿绿卡，就公开猜疑为什么。。。说我大学毕业后3年又开始读研究生，应该是身份拿不到，然后又说，他猜这样下去研究生毕业了还是一样的下场。。。。

反正就觉得酸溜溜的。。。可能老上海人就是这样的交流方式。

我心里后来一直在想，这种底层超市打工的老移民，估计当初身份也很难拿到了，现在看到新移民，就各种猜吧。。。反正就是小市民咯，底层的可悲的优越感。而且另外一个奶奶很nice的，听我说我读经济后脸上的表情就像是天下最差最可笑的专业一样。。。。。他们真的是很底层。。。。可能觉得非要在超市打工了才算是有希望？之前william妈妈也说经济是不是很难找工作。。。。。excuse me？你的儿子一个在dollar store做收营员，一个卖刀。。。高中生都可以做的底层好么？！ 真是没文化嘲笑有知识的。。


就这些事吧，本来我真的不准备放心上的，毕竟他们家的背景和我真的完全不一样。。。他们就是越南来的没文化，做生意的。我家公务员，真的很不一样。。。本来觉得愤愤不平的。可后来这些人也让我好好的想了下我的未来。。。所以。。。while这个上海瘪三男的很势力很多嘴很欠骂很此层很垃圾，但被他击了一下反而让我萎靡不振的生活状态一下子变的好想有目标好想成功。it's like：你说我很难移民很难找工作？我他妈econ专业你八辈子都学不下来，我以后找到的工作比你全家人都体面！底层小市民说的就是你！


我来加拿大苦命的花3年读研，不就是为了搭桥移民吗，现在终于999都上完了，拿毕业证不远了。可现在被搞得没有了激情，每天就是和william在一起到处逛到处玩，当然有很大一部分原因是我讨厌那两个德国室友晚上放video的声音，也讨厌matt关厕所门总是能把我一惊，所以我总是回避他们，所以总是和william在一起，晚上也总是在他家睡觉。可是这样的结果就是我自己的事总是被拖延。。。。找工作，准备工签，etc一直没看。。。。可是这些都是我的目的呀，都是移民呀！我真的是从999完毕之后一直在混沌的度日！没有自制力，虽然室友确实很让我讨厌是一部分 原因。我也恨自己为什么不发愤找工作有了钱自己住。



现在研究生的课都已经结束了，struggle is over。最难的都挺下去了。现在已经到了我当初要来的目的了：移民！！！


econ599遇到困难看不懂觉得要fail的时候，我总是和自己说：做到自己无悔就行了。只有用心把该做的都做了，最后我还是过了。


虽然移民的是我的case有点复杂，工签的问题很麻烦，但我绝对不能放弃，研究生这么难的挑战我都过来了，移民这点东西我绝对可以做到“把自己该做的做好”。


有几个人能读到研究生？有几个人又是经济的研究生？那些底层在超市打工的瘪三都看上去那么自信，我又有什么理由总是不自信？！改天去买双lacoste经典的白色sneaker，把自己包装起来，振作起来！我是聪明的，只是我的经历坎坷，心理有疾病，被它们有时候困住了。但我的潜力一直都在咆哮。就像heather打死都不相信我能pass 599，我他妈就给她好好的打了她的肥逼脸！呵呵。


今天本来我是要继续混沌下去，和william睡觉的。但我回家了。

明天，做自己该做的，我这么聪明的人，真没几个，有几个高中像我这样考去了美国奖学金？而我却没有自信？that‘s so sad and ridiculous！william的弟弟wilson读了个相当于大专的课程现在卖刀，今天在火锅的桌子上还很得意的样子，呵呵。而我说话却要很小声没自信，真的不应该。


真的，599那么seemingly impossible我都过了，其他的事真的难不倒我。


找出我需要做的，一个个做，一个个解决，我的智商这么高，没有做不到的。


只要我发奋了，目标就会实现。历史已见证。