Econ 999 is the last class in my MA program. It may very likely be the last class in my career of formal schooling. If I pass (C+ or better), I get my ticket to getting my MA Economics degree. it's hard, very hard, very very hard for me. From the first day of entering the first class in 2016 to present, there is not a single moment that I didn't feel fully challenged... every class I had to record the lecture to listen to it later, otherwise, I seriously have doubts of not being able to pass.
My anxiety got a lot worse after last summer's feud with that stupid fat bitch heather. After that, I just felt that anything can pop up and hinder my path to my degree.
For this Econ 999 class, I don't think I would fail. Even though after all the pains and sufferings and anxieties from Econ 599 and the shit with Heather, I still have post-traumatic stress/fears/anxieties about failing... I also have some anxieties about professor Vera, who always looks aloof and secretive. it may be just her Central Europeans personalities. but in Econ 598, she was extremely strict about grading. if you made just a single mistake, then the whole points on that question were gone! even though I struggled intensely and managed to score above average in the midterm, I failed the final and got C+. So I don't know what's gonna happen for 999.... I just feel that this program is so weird... and unfit for me.... weird professor, weird things popping up... and stupid chair.
But for 999, I completed every component, did what she asked, and submitted everything on time that was supposed to be submitted. I also did not raise a red flag during the term, unlike during Econ 599. So even though I still have fears, anxieties, I think my chances of passing Econ 999 is higher than failing... Even if I fail I still have summer term to raise my grade...
Yeah, lastly, I have no regret for anything about Econ 999...
Im tired... tired of being anxious for nothing, tired of worrying too much that I feel like less a normal human being. Tired of hiding myself in my library. tired of not passing a class.... for every core class, it have been this same feeling. it feels like shit..... Econ 503, 598, 599, and then another 599..... it was quite a struggle to open beartrack and view my grades..... im tired... and being anxious makes no difference. if my performance didn't get my a pass, then i fail, as in the case of 599 in winter 2018.... im tired.... tired of this program, tired of this school, and maybe tired of this country... i just wanna say: fuck you, fuck canada, fuck this pathetic public school U of A, fuck the aloof-looking and cold canadians, FUCK heather, fuck christina, i don't care the outcome, cuz i did what i could do.
So i guess I'll just stay my cool and wait for the outcome then...
