I don't care no more. I don't give a fuck about immigration

My mind, my thinking, and my speed of making decisions or forming judgment has been obviously slowed by depressed thinking, nervousness, and general uncertainty. i am not feeling happy or positive.

my life in north america has not been treated well. white people are selfish and albertans are rude. so why waste my time?

Don't be overly anxious about immigration. Just let it be. do what u need to do. but do not ruminate. do not over think. 

some thoughts on my long history of morbid procrastination

it even took me this long to write a confession about my procrastination problem. so u know how serious it is.

i think it's cuz i care so heavily and so serious about good results. sometimes i think im being lazy.

the lastest procrastination is the PGWP. i waited till last minuate, and i found out after i applied that my student status was no longer valid... i may be rejected for the PGWP. my whole 4 years of plan of immigration to Canada could be ruined.

my procrastination history started since i, if i remember correctly, started preparing for the toefl test. i think the reason was i was hooked on facebooking with online people from western countries...

then it also happened in college. i always wanted to do well in all my classes, but i guess at the same time i was away from parents' control, i didn't practice good time management skills and self study habits...and when combined wth perfectionism in grades, i chose to procrastinate, and for almost every class except Janpanese 101, i waited until last week and many cases, last day to cram for exams.

i always regret procrastination, but then the next semester it would repeat. like a ghost haunting

and then it was going back to china in 2013 after college, i waited and waited to apply for jobs. a lot of the reason was inability to adjust chinese life after living in the trinity and american bubble.


then i prosrctinated again on asking profs for recommendation letters. it should be easy to ask, but i do have to draft nice letters to request, so trying to write the perfect letter, i procrstinated, fearing they would refuse to write.... eventually 95% of them said yes. my false belief was wrong.


then same again for classes at u of a, challenging classes made it worse...

and then the PGWP, i procratinated so much to ask profs for explanation letter because i really really fear they would say no,,,,, so i kept ruminating. for months... literally... from July to November. wow... i thought and thought, and waited, and waited for months on the possible things after i ask them for the letter.... would they say no? would they ask me for details? eventually i waited until start of Dec. i drafted my letter actually only in 3 days in Dec. all the previous months was spent ruminating and now as i would say, a waste of time. because Todd turned me down coldly. and took me twice to convince Heather to write me one, and the one she gave me was written not in my favor... so i wasted all the months.


i wasted all the time that i should apply before my study permit became invalid in October 2. it was all useless thinking about it...


 i guess if i don't care too much about a certain thing. maybe i won't proscratinate.  i never procratinate cooking or other things. maybe cuz i enjoy doing them...

maybe if i go back to china, i should get a job that i at least enjoy doing... follow my passion, not immigration's job list which made me feel down and depressed and it was feeling so stupid.

but why did i procrastnate on buying canada goose for dad's colleague? that shouldn't be hard... why? im not sure...maybe it was selfish on buying things for parents first...


i know i may highly likely to procrastinate again, but i think what i should do is to correct my expectation for things. convine me truly that it's ok to do things wrong and ordinarily. it's ok to start early foolish and gradually improve on them. i hope, i really hope, evne though i still doubt i could follow what im writing here, but i really hope that i can heal from the nightmarish habit of morbid procrastination.

Writing on the date of Jan 9 AM after finding out i may be rejected for the stupid PGWP

some thoughts on possible PGWP rejection and going back to China

i found out i may be rejected for PGWP on Jan 8, 2020. if that happens, i have to go back to china. so naturally a lot of my thoughts and confusions center around going back to china and its anxiety.

i do have this fear of going back to China. after 7 years abroad, i have used to living in north america. i am used to the language, the people, met nice people, used to doing things the way north america operates.

the biggest fear of china is its intensive work culture. i read online about the 996 system of working and exploiting people to death. there is no fun, everything is work. and a lot of stupid rules and rigid things to do that is not actually improving the actual work.

for example, even in the MSL at the big beijing city, they don't issue interns with cards, so i had to secretly follow other ppl to enter building. treating us like secondary workers while expecting us to work a lot. this is just disrepsectful.

also, phobe doesn't actually know much things about our job such as how to do the monthly report, but she demands us to do it well. so stupid.. i hate the stupid training system.

it just occurs to me that a lot of things in china are not professionally managed. and i don't like that. in the north america, everything seems orderly and lawful.

secondly, the people. if i go back to china, i just wanna work in wuhan because im so mentally tired. i don't feel like i have the energy to work hard to make a living in 1st tire city. but wuhan people are known to be rude and selfish and like to take advantage of simple people. i don't wanna get taken advantage of.

also, you can't return products in china. but i like to try different cosmetic products, and in north america, you can return even after using. but in china, you can't!

also the food is not good there. there is very lack of organic food, no good milk, no good yoghurt. most food are high card. western food are very expensive.

i also don't like the authoritarian regime. no freedom. even though freedom doesn't equate happiness.


the things that i think are worth going back to china is my parents and other family members: both parents are getting old and have chronic illnesses. it's my turn to take care of them instead of leaving them alone. after so many years abroad, it does make me feel lonely at the inner heart, everything is on myself to solve. sometimes it feels mentally hard being alone in another country. so going home at least there are parents and other families to share my burden.

another good thing of being back to china is easier to find gay guys, either for sex or bf. not that easy in north america for someone like me who prefer asian guys.

i guess i have to be positive if i do have to go back. more and more it feels like it's my destiny. i kept making mistakes on my road of immigrating to either the us or canada. but i thought about them, worried about them, procrastinated due to them, almost every day... but still couldn't do it. so if that is the case, then i just have to come to terms with the fact that i have really tried my best and accept reality.

the younger generation of china have better qualities than western peers. so hopefully i will like china in the future by working with them.  the most toxic thing that made me fear china is, may be the insane work culture. i want to have time to work out, relax, and enjoy my hobbies. i have heard many cases of workers getting heart problem or other problems from long hours of work. that is just stupid on the work culture.

but, life is life. i don't think im that happy in north america, and i don't wanna go back to china and if i do i may be  not that happy either. so i guess i will find either one eventually to find my eventual balance.

Realizing I may be rejected for the PGWP

Jan 8, 2020. I was in bed and read an article on wechat by a Chinese immigration agency about recently rejected cases of PGWP... because their study permit was not valid when they were applying. all of the problems stem from me not realizing that one's study permit stops being valid 90 days after he completes study.

So i applied when in fact, my study permit was invalid, which was against the rule. thus, I may be rejected for the PGWP.

So, i was at first shocked, then i felt calmer.  cuz it just made me so tired. the whole thing.... i have thought, considered, planned the PGWP for 3 years ever since even before i arrived in Canada in 2016. and now i just found out this big mistake that i didn't know the whole time???

something must be wrong with me staying in the west. something must be calling me home. if i have no choice, then i will go home... it's just been so tiring. i had so high expectation on the prepration of the PGWP, and now it's like it's all ruined because i messed up on the first and foremost "status validity" issue!

I hate canada, i hate their way of doing things. slow and inefficient. cold and angry and rude albertans.

on their PGWP website they didn't mention the 90 day validity rule at all! son of a bitch. i will not waste my time and energy and worries in this country no more.

but i think if i will have to leave, i will miss the people that i got to spend true quality time with: william.

I will miss William for sure for quite a while i think, i will cry and cry. he's the sweetest and nicest guy i've ever met... without him, it's gonna be quite an adjustment for me...

life goes on. i'll see what  comes next...