it even took me this long to write a confession about my procrastination problem. so u know how serious it is.
i think it's cuz i care so heavily and so serious about good results. sometimes i think im being lazy.
the lastest procrastination is the PGWP. i waited till last minuate, and i found out after i applied that my student status was no longer valid... i may be rejected for the PGWP. my whole 4 years of plan of immigration to Canada could be ruined.
my procrastination history started since i, if i remember correctly, started preparing for the toefl test. i think the reason was i was hooked on facebooking with online people from western countries...
then it also happened in college. i always wanted to do well in all my classes, but i guess at the same time i was away from parents' control, i didn't practice good time management skills and self study habits...and when combined wth perfectionism in grades, i chose to procrastinate, and for almost every class except Janpanese 101, i waited until last week and many cases, last day to cram for exams.
i always regret procrastination, but then the next semester it would repeat. like a ghost haunting
and then it was going back to china in 2013 after college, i waited and waited to apply for jobs. a lot of the reason was inability to adjust chinese life after living in the trinity and american bubble.
then i prosrctinated again on asking profs for recommendation letters. it should be easy to ask, but i do have to draft nice letters to request, so trying to write the perfect letter, i procrstinated, fearing they would refuse to write.... eventually 95% of them said yes. my false belief was wrong.
then same again for classes at u of a, challenging classes made it worse...
and then the PGWP, i procratinated so much to ask profs for explanation letter because i really really fear they would say no,,,,, so i kept ruminating. for months... literally... from July to November. wow... i thought and thought, and waited, and waited for months on the possible things after i ask them for the letter.... would they say no? would they ask me for details? eventually i waited until start of Dec. i drafted my letter actually only in 3 days in Dec. all the previous months was spent ruminating and now as i would say, a waste of time. because Todd turned me down coldly. and took me twice to convince Heather to write me one, and the one she gave me was written not in my favor... so i wasted all the months.
i wasted all the time that i should apply before my study permit became invalid in October 2. it was all useless thinking about it...
i guess if i don't care too much about a certain thing. maybe i won't proscratinate. i never procratinate cooking or other things. maybe cuz i enjoy doing them...
maybe if i go back to china, i should get a job that i at least enjoy doing... follow my passion, not immigration's job list which made me feel down and depressed and it was feeling so stupid.
but why did i procrastnate on buying canada goose for dad's colleague? that shouldn't be hard... why? im not sure...maybe it was selfish on buying things for parents first...
i know i may highly likely to procrastinate again, but i think what i should do is to correct my expectation for things. convine me truly that it's ok to do things wrong and ordinarily. it's ok to start early foolish and gradually improve on them. i hope, i really hope, evne though i still doubt i could follow what im writing here, but i really hope that i can heal from the nightmarish habit of morbid procrastination.
Writing on the date of Jan 9 AM after finding out i may be rejected for the stupid PGWP
i think it's cuz i care so heavily and so serious about good results. sometimes i think im being lazy.
the lastest procrastination is the PGWP. i waited till last minuate, and i found out after i applied that my student status was no longer valid... i may be rejected for the PGWP. my whole 4 years of plan of immigration to Canada could be ruined.
my procrastination history started since i, if i remember correctly, started preparing for the toefl test. i think the reason was i was hooked on facebooking with online people from western countries...
then it also happened in college. i always wanted to do well in all my classes, but i guess at the same time i was away from parents' control, i didn't practice good time management skills and self study habits...and when combined wth perfectionism in grades, i chose to procrastinate, and for almost every class except Janpanese 101, i waited until last week and many cases, last day to cram for exams.
i always regret procrastination, but then the next semester it would repeat. like a ghost haunting
and then it was going back to china in 2013 after college, i waited and waited to apply for jobs. a lot of the reason was inability to adjust chinese life after living in the trinity and american bubble.
then i prosrctinated again on asking profs for recommendation letters. it should be easy to ask, but i do have to draft nice letters to request, so trying to write the perfect letter, i procrstinated, fearing they would refuse to write.... eventually 95% of them said yes. my false belief was wrong.
then same again for classes at u of a, challenging classes made it worse...
and then the PGWP, i procratinated so much to ask profs for explanation letter because i really really fear they would say no,,,,, so i kept ruminating. for months... literally... from July to November. wow... i thought and thought, and waited, and waited for months on the possible things after i ask them for the letter.... would they say no? would they ask me for details? eventually i waited until start of Dec. i drafted my letter actually only in 3 days in Dec. all the previous months was spent ruminating and now as i would say, a waste of time. because Todd turned me down coldly. and took me twice to convince Heather to write me one, and the one she gave me was written not in my favor... so i wasted all the months.
i wasted all the time that i should apply before my study permit became invalid in October 2. it was all useless thinking about it...
i guess if i don't care too much about a certain thing. maybe i won't proscratinate. i never procratinate cooking or other things. maybe cuz i enjoy doing them...
maybe if i go back to china, i should get a job that i at least enjoy doing... follow my passion, not immigration's job list which made me feel down and depressed and it was feeling so stupid.
but why did i procrastnate on buying canada goose for dad's colleague? that shouldn't be hard... why? im not sure...maybe it was selfish on buying things for parents first...
i know i may highly likely to procrastinate again, but i think what i should do is to correct my expectation for things. convine me truly that it's ok to do things wrong and ordinarily. it's ok to start early foolish and gradually improve on them. i hope, i really hope, evne though i still doubt i could follow what im writing here, but i really hope that i can heal from the nightmarish habit of morbid procrastination.
Writing on the date of Jan 9 AM after finding out i may be rejected for the stupid PGWP
No comments:
Post a Comment