其实我现在应该是最快乐的人之一，here‘s why

 没有理由烦恼啊。。。。。

 

1.  研究生毕业了！！！ 这么他妈的难的项目，我自己都不敢相信那么多磕磕碰碰，我真的succeed了！

2.三年工签得到。困扰我3年的难题。因为情况特殊，没人能给我答案。也因为这个让我在学业，打工，快乐感各方面being weighed down，做事不果断，爱迟疑和犹豫。

3. 以及有了一年可移民的work experience，到时候reference letter也可以随便开。因为有刘阿姨。

4. 对于潜在的移民失败，我现在比原来想的更开了。现在留下和回去更像60/40，原来觉得回去像奔赴刑场一样苦逼。就算失败，我对于回去也蛮期待的。自己年龄大了，觉得国外虽安逸，但太孤独，我朋友又少，父母也需要我照顾。

 

5. 我目前不需要面对复杂的同事关系。serena&mars他们虽然负能量很多 ，但毕竟就一随便的工作，一周也就2天在zoom上几小时，也不用见他们，想到底真没值得我担心的。工资虽延迟但总是要发的。而且就算有啥事总是有刘阿姨的。

所以，我想到这些真的觉得我目前是最快乐的人之一，但我却忘了想想这5点，尤其是前3点，而一直为serena，mars和工资迟发而内耗。mental filtering思维惯性真的能把人生遮的出处是惨状和阴影。serena，mars这些发臭的路边草请从我脑子里滚粗吧，谢谢～

给Serena的一封信

 Serena，

你就是一个前台而已，但我不知道为什么心里总觉得你故意不给我按时发工资。可能因为工资每两周一发总是会让我想起，而且目前pr没拿到，这个工作又和移民挂钩，也不想找让刘阿姨让她觉得我很纠结她看来的小事，这些种种因素让我不想完全搞砸这个工作里的人际关系，所以会有时候情绪十分内耗。暑假前你说了暑假里更多老师拿支票，可以尽量准时 ，而且上次你也说了那次等5天确实比较晚。那我现在就不懂了为什么发的越来越晚。问了你你也不回复，你不是说保持沟通吗？这就是你工作态度？也许这个工资背后的水很深，有的你也不方便告诉我，但我不知道为什么，就觉得你在故意整我。你就是故意等到老外都要发下一次了再给我发。这样好像你在我上面一样，真可笑，有本事你不发敢不敢？你以前有几次明细表也是忘发，每次让我等的也很急，但我说话也都是客客气气。但是这次问了你你不说话，这就是你的问题了。我不会让你这样一个不重要的人影响我对教学的兴趣，也许这就是你的目的，但我不会傻到那一步。你就是讨厌我，那又怎么样？我根本不会在乎。因为你就像路边的一根草，未来我们不会共事，不会为升职竞争。mars也是，做事那么粗心的人，同样不值得我内耗情绪。为你苦恼真的内耗我精力，反正工资你再晚也要发。超过4周我就有充足理由给刘阿姨反映。虽然我在森林山的认真做事从来不是因为有阿姨的关系，但至少在这种不公平待遇上面我背后有人。也许你觉得你就是每小时18刀的工资但干了很多活，而我是30刀，但我也没有每周追问你，而问了你工资发的越来越晚的事你不回复，那就是你自己的问题。我不会让本来是你的问题来让我自己不高兴。工资迟发这件事至始至终我没有做错一件事，都是学校管理层的问题。你和我都是学校的基层，你估计工作量也不小，给我统计了一年的明细表你也有怨气，这样想想我也不值得因为你而烦恼。也许因为每两周发一次所以每次我都会想到工资被迟发吧。我不知道你和mars背后有没有串通起来整我，不过是又怎样呢。我不需要和你们每天面对面，我一周也就2天上zoom工作几小时而已。

 

等我以后从森林山辞职了，你和我也就像擦肩而过的路人 ，各走各的轨道永远不会相遇。我希望我现在就会和那时候一样，你的各种负能量无法辐射到我。

 

我的生活应该focus在积极的人和对我好的人，而不是你。你就像一根路边发臭的草，为一根发臭的草不高兴我也是不知道为什么。我需要想的是jean，william，刘阿姨，父母，外婆，以前的教授，以及让我feel uplifting的人。请你从我的mind里圆润滚粗。谢谢。

Michael

I don't care no more. I don't give a fuck about immigration

My mind, my thinking, and my speed of making decisions or forming judgment has been obviously slowed by depressed thinking, nervousness, and general uncertainty. i am not feeling happy or positive.

my life in north america has not been treated well. white people are selfish and albertans are rude. so why waste my time?

Don't be overly anxious about immigration. Just let it be. do what u need to do. but do not ruminate. do not over think. 

some thoughts on my long history of morbid procrastination

it even took me this long to write a confession about my procrastination problem. so u know how serious it is.

i think it's cuz i care so heavily and so serious about good results. sometimes i think im being lazy.

the lastest procrastination is the PGWP. i waited till last minuate, and i found out after i applied that my student status was no longer valid... i may be rejected for the PGWP. my whole 4 years of plan of immigration to Canada could be ruined.

my procrastination history started since i, if i remember correctly, started preparing for the toefl test. i think the reason was i was hooked on facebooking with online people from western countries...

then it also happened in college. i always wanted to do well in all my classes, but i guess at the same time i was away from parents' control, i didn't practice good time management skills and self study habits...and when combined wth perfectionism in grades, i chose to procrastinate, and for almost every class except Janpanese 101, i waited until last week and many cases, last day to cram for exams.

i always regret procrastination, but then the next semester it would repeat. like a ghost haunting

and then it was going back to china in 2013 after college, i waited and waited to apply for jobs. a lot of the reason was inability to adjust chinese life after living in the trinity and american bubble.


then i prosrctinated again on asking profs for recommendation letters. it should be easy to ask, but i do have to draft nice letters to request, so trying to write the perfect letter, i procrstinated, fearing they would refuse to write.... eventually 95% of them said yes. my false belief was wrong.


then same again for classes at u of a, challenging classes made it worse...

and then the PGWP, i procratinated so much to ask profs for explanation letter because i really really fear they would say no,,,,, so i kept ruminating. for months... literally... from July to November. wow... i thought and thought, and waited, and waited for months on the possible things after i ask them for the letter.... would they say no? would they ask me for details? eventually i waited until start of Dec. i drafted my letter actually only in 3 days in Dec. all the previous months was spent ruminating and now as i would say, a waste of time. because Todd turned me down coldly. and took me twice to convince Heather to write me one, and the one she gave me was written not in my favor... so i wasted all the months.


i wasted all the time that i should apply before my study permit became invalid in October 2. it was all useless thinking about it...


 i guess if i don't care too much about a certain thing. maybe i won't proscratinate.  i never procratinate cooking or other things. maybe cuz i enjoy doing them...

maybe if i go back to china, i should get a job that i at least enjoy doing... follow my passion, not immigration's job list which made me feel down and depressed and it was feeling so stupid.

but why did i procrastnate on buying canada goose for dad's colleague? that shouldn't be hard... why? im not sure...maybe it was selfish on buying things for parents first...


i know i may highly likely to procrastinate again, but i think what i should do is to correct my expectation for things. convine me truly that it's ok to do things wrong and ordinarily. it's ok to start early foolish and gradually improve on them. i hope, i really hope, evne though i still doubt i could follow what im writing here, but i really hope that i can heal from the nightmarish habit of morbid procrastination.

Writing on the date of Jan 9 AM after finding out i may be rejected for the stupid PGWP

some thoughts on possible PGWP rejection and going back to China

i found out i may be rejected for PGWP on Jan 8, 2020. if that happens, i have to go back to china. so naturally a lot of my thoughts and confusions center around going back to china and its anxiety.

i do have this fear of going back to China. after 7 years abroad, i have used to living in north america. i am used to the language, the people, met nice people, used to doing things the way north america operates.

the biggest fear of china is its intensive work culture. i read online about the 996 system of working and exploiting people to death. there is no fun, everything is work. and a lot of stupid rules and rigid things to do that is not actually improving the actual work.

for example, even in the MSL at the big beijing city, they don't issue interns with cards, so i had to secretly follow other ppl to enter building. treating us like secondary workers while expecting us to work a lot. this is just disrepsectful.

also, phobe doesn't actually know much things about our job such as how to do the monthly report, but she demands us to do it well. so stupid.. i hate the stupid training system.

it just occurs to me that a lot of things in china are not professionally managed. and i don't like that. in the north america, everything seems orderly and lawful.

secondly, the people. if i go back to china, i just wanna work in wuhan because im so mentally tired. i don't feel like i have the energy to work hard to make a living in 1st tire city. but wuhan people are known to be rude and selfish and like to take advantage of simple people. i don't wanna get taken advantage of.

also, you can't return products in china. but i like to try different cosmetic products, and in north america, you can return even after using. but in china, you can't!

also the food is not good there. there is very lack of organic food, no good milk, no good yoghurt. most food are high card. western food are very expensive.

i also don't like the authoritarian regime. no freedom. even though freedom doesn't equate happiness.


the things that i think are worth going back to china is my parents and other family members: both parents are getting old and have chronic illnesses. it's my turn to take care of them instead of leaving them alone. after so many years abroad, it does make me feel lonely at the inner heart, everything is on myself to solve. sometimes it feels mentally hard being alone in another country. so going home at least there are parents and other families to share my burden.

another good thing of being back to china is easier to find gay guys, either for sex or bf. not that easy in north america for someone like me who prefer asian guys.

i guess i have to be positive if i do have to go back. more and more it feels like it's my destiny. i kept making mistakes on my road of immigrating to either the us or canada. but i thought about them, worried about them, procrastinated due to them, almost every day... but still couldn't do it. so if that is the case, then i just have to come to terms with the fact that i have really tried my best and accept reality.

the younger generation of china have better qualities than western peers. so hopefully i will like china in the future by working with them.  the most toxic thing that made me fear china is, may be the insane work culture. i want to have time to work out, relax, and enjoy my hobbies. i have heard many cases of workers getting heart problem or other problems from long hours of work. that is just stupid on the work culture.

but, life is life. i don't think im that happy in north america, and i don't wanna go back to china and if i do i may be  not that happy either. so i guess i will find either one eventually to find my eventual balance.

Realizing I may be rejected for the PGWP

Jan 8, 2020. I was in bed and read an article on wechat by a Chinese immigration agency about recently rejected cases of PGWP... because their study permit was not valid when they were applying. all of the problems stem from me not realizing that one's study permit stops being valid 90 days after he completes study.

So i applied when in fact, my study permit was invalid, which was against the rule. thus, I may be rejected for the PGWP.

So, i was at first shocked, then i felt calmer.  cuz it just made me so tired. the whole thing.... i have thought, considered, planned the PGWP for 3 years ever since even before i arrived in Canada in 2016. and now i just found out this big mistake that i didn't know the whole time???

something must be wrong with me staying in the west. something must be calling me home. if i have no choice, then i will go home... it's just been so tiring. i had so high expectation on the prepration of the PGWP, and now it's like it's all ruined because i messed up on the first and foremost "status validity" issue!

I hate canada, i hate their way of doing things. slow and inefficient. cold and angry and rude albertans.

on their PGWP website they didn't mention the 90 day validity rule at all! son of a bitch. i will not waste my time and energy and worries in this country no more.

but i think if i will have to leave, i will miss the people that i got to spend true quality time with: william.

I will miss William for sure for quite a while i think, i will cry and cry. he's the sweetest and nicest guy i've ever met... without him, it's gonna be quite an adjustment for me...

life goes on. i'll see what  comes next...

Random thoughts on asking professors for Support Letter for the PGWP

The PGWP is a big deal, it really is. It is probably my biggest concern and biggest wishlist of coming to Canada. it is my ultimate goal. Getting my MA degree is only a connecting bridge for me. Even though due to increasing pressure from academics and the possibility of not being able to graduate, over the course of these three years, the PGWP is almost as important as getting the MA econ degree.

I have always worried about not being able to get the 3 year PGWP ever since starting to apply to grad schools as early as late 2015. I knew well in advance that if the immigration officer finds out that my program is 1 year, then he may very likely only issue me a 1 year PGWP...

After I came to Canada, through orientations and workshops and asking the specialists at the UofA's international centre, I was always given a vague answer regarding how many years of permit could I be issued, they always say half and half chance, due to the fact that my program website states that it can be completed in 10 months.  so i was always feeling uncertain and worried.

eventually, i came to terms with it. i began to accept to live with uncertainty... partly cuz academics was already drove me so hopeless and depressed. so i thought that as long as i made to graduation, i would still be proud of myself regardless of the PGWP...

two things worried me the most in regard of the PGWP: 1: if the completion letter doesn't state program length, then the officer may search website and find out the program length, if he does that, then im more likely to be doomed..... 2: new regulations after March 2019 requires both completion letter and transcript, but my 1st term was part-time.... so there is a chance i could get disqualified for the PGWP completely...

ever since entering U OF A in 2016, I have been asking many people regarding the 1st problem... but always no certain answer.... the FGSR told me they don't state length... so i was left clueless about how the officers find out program length.... different ppl told me different things... so there is always an uncertainty...

Eventually, after i graduated in July 2019, I finally wrote the completion letter request to FGSR after many days of procrastination and internal worry. cuz i really felt so concerned and worried if they don't issue the program length... then if that happened, everything i had worried and imagined would become true and come to haunt me... I have worried about the completion letter for 3 years...so i finally and eventually got the courage to write the completion letter request, I kindly added to provide start date and end date in my request...

God has mercy! God I love you. God must heard my cries and wishes for 3 years... When i received the completion letter in email, the FGSR included my start date and end date!!!!! that means the officer in most cases would just refer to this as my program length! All my 3 years of worries finally came to an end...I felt amazing on that day, almost felt like magic was being dropped on me... i felt so happy and blessed on that day...

But i still had to confront the 2nd problem: transcript.....ever since after the Fall2016 in which i withdrew 2 courses and became part-time, i sought help from the specialists from U of A's international centre... they told me it's better to get a support letter explaining the circumstances that happened in Fall 2016... I have always been worried about asking for it....

Im worried what if professors don't wanna write this letter, im worried about how i should go about writing such letter to professors in the first place. im worried and could feel disgusted in advance by the feeling of inconvenience and rejection if the professor refused to write a letter.

The worries are exactly the reason i kept procrastinating writing the letter to professors until around Dec 10 2019. I couldn't wait more, cuz Jan 3 is the deadline. so, i forebode the worries and concerns and fears, and still wrote the letters to Todd carefully... explaining everything i would like him to know.. it was a long email....

Todd said he's on medical leave and not working, thus cannot write a letter.....

I felt very dismayed... and nervous and sad and insecure.... cuz everything I feared came true: being rejected for a support letter....

But the rejection kind of motivated me to keep working... cuz i was like: ok fuck you, u r just a lazy prof who don't care for students and don't care for work. u just like ur leisure and stupid hockey. so it's ur problem and not mine. im gonna just do my best. i shouldn't waste time on a loser and fat guy like you who ended up sick anyway....

So on the night of the same day, i wrote another request to Heather Eckert, the bitch who wouldn't let me retake econ 599 a year before. I didn't take more time rewriting or polishing the email. i simply shortened it a bit for the sake of being concise...

She never replied. I sent her another email in 4 days, still no replies...

Oh well, yeah i felt a bit bad, but not that bad. cuz i know she doesn't like me and probably jealous me of being able to pass 599 and eventually graduate, which is everything against what she anticipated! hahahaha, stupid old fat bitch cunt. she was wrong with everything about me!!! she is probably being dumbfounded by the whole thing still... heather, oh well, stupid bitch. her CV shows she rarely published her own paper, except when she worked together with other profs. also took her i think more than 10 years to reach associate professor... stupid~~


so... everything i feared happening in regard to asking prof for support letter ended up coming true....
i felt a bit helpless, but at the same time i had this urge to fight against this feeling of victimization...... i video chatted with mom and grandmom about it, vented my anger and the stupid heather thing. and i actually felt not THAT bad........ being rejected by both profs actually lowered my pressure a bit, cuz now i just need to write my own support letter......


I already felt grateful about the completion letter's program length... so profs' rejections on the support letter wasn't a huge blow...at least one of the UA's immigration specialists told me it's perfectly fine to write the support letter myself... at least that gave me lots of assurance.


this is the last week before Xmas break. I must ask the UA's specialists everything i need to ask: about wether it's still necessary to point out the Fall 2016 part-time, if it's ok to write the letter myself, and other online application questions....

Just do my best. do what i can do....just be no regret... enjoy the process.