和父母出柜了，终于……

 出柜主要原因是自己的孤独感让我自己都无法承受了，尤其疫情2年多，没有性，没有爱，觉得自己是世界上最孤独的人，真的觉得自己会孤独一辈子，找不到爱我我也爱的人。希望出柜后能和父母分享做为gay找爱的路。

10月21号给爸爸出，他很快就ok了

11月21日，妈妈看到了我寄给家的出柜信。我没想到妈妈的反应会如此激烈：哭了一晚上，几乎没睡，第二天早午饭都没吃，拒绝和我说话。无论我发啥科普同性恋的视频和文章她都不想看。连爸爸也不想看，爸爸也被妈妈影响了，潜意识里觉得同性恋不是正常的。那天晚上我很伤心，觉得连父母都不支持我，觉得同性恋是艾滋病，是吸毒，是抑郁症，让我觉得我自己身体里精神里都是毒。

第二天，我又和妈妈发了一个科普视频，她回复说：不要再发了，她不想看，希望我以后不要回国，就算回了也不要在武汉，本来准备给我寄的30万也不寄了，让我不要和亲戚说，让我洁身自好注意健康。

我看后再也没回复她，我哭了很久。我心里既伤心又生气，当晚做事特别利落，有种放弃自己啥都不care的状态。觉得自己没工作也是激起妈妈的原因，但我不认为她应该把有没有工作和我是gay相联系。那晚上我有时候特别气愤，气愤为什么你不理解我，我作为gay已经承受很多了，你作为妈妈都不理解，你让我一个孩子怎么坚持下去，我讨厌妈妈的臭脾气，遇到不好的事就是骂，不管对谁，她得高血压就是自己脾气，那晚我也冲动，一气之下把她微信删了。那晚也是很久以来我决定要做一个新的自己，不要拖延，不要怕失败，我对很多事很frustrated，那晚我把网易新闻删了，推特删了，微信上的人都设为不看他们朋友圈，因为我不想内耗自己，我不需要看乱七八糟的东西，我需要静一下，好好想黑五买什么，我要买护肤品让自己皮肤变白嫩，我要买抗抑郁维他命让自己情绪变好，我要多看看衣服搭配让自己变时尚，我要取小红书看看我扁平塌的发质适合什么发型，我要继续健身增肌，我要变成sexy男人，我要fuck更多帅哥，做更多hot sex，我要提高交流技巧，提高说话/聊天skill，我要着手找工作，我要考证，我要看看自己未来职业到底做什么，我这些以前都没做，天天看手机全内耗了，我他妈不care移民了，为了身份做什么都迟疑。我现在只想做我心里像成为的那个我。我不会自杀或hate自己，因为生命很短，人类很短，我想活出the fullest life。

他妈的人生，我不care no more，我就这样做我想做的

resetting

 Nov 12, 2022

watched Mel Robbin's videos on the 5-seconds rule & not putting cellphone in bedroom.

gave me inspirations. 

trying her mind reset videos.

tonight, for the fucking 1st time. i put my phones away.

i finally communicated to William after almost 4 months. 

my inner body feels irratable, idk why. like i wanna scream out of my frustrations...

i wanna read a book to calm down and sleep...

25岁的小龙都找到工作了。我的未来在哪？

 小龙几天前拿了证，今天在养老院找到了lvn的工作，时薪34美元，真为他高兴。

我自己的事我自己最清楚，也是最无能为力的，我的未来将如何？年过30，今年32，逐渐感到事业/工作对个人价值，和dating上的影响。我现在在性，爱情，和事业上已经Lost and confused，掉入了黑洞。我和30岁前已经感到心理发生了变化，尤其是性和dating方面。

然而我还是会努力，快乐的生活。今晚还去hardisty健身了

其实我现在应该是最快乐的人之一，here‘s why

 没有理由烦恼啊。。。。。

 

1.  研究生毕业了！！！ 这么他妈的难的项目，我自己都不敢相信那么多磕磕碰碰，我真的succeed了！

2.三年工签得到。困扰我3年的难题。因为情况特殊，没人能给我答案。也因为这个让我在学业，打工，快乐感各方面being weighed down，做事不果断，爱迟疑和犹豫。

3. 以及有了一年可移民的work experience，到时候reference letter也可以随便开。因为有刘阿姨。

4. 对于潜在的移民失败，我现在比原来想的更开了。现在留下和回去更像60/40，原来觉得回去像奔赴刑场一样苦逼。就算失败，我对于回去也蛮期待的。自己年龄大了，觉得国外虽安逸，但太孤独，我朋友又少，父母也需要我照顾。

 

5. 我目前不需要面对复杂的同事关系。serena&mars他们虽然负能量很多 ，但毕竟就一随便的工作，一周也就2天在zoom上几小时，也不用见他们，想到底真没值得我担心的。工资虽延迟但总是要发的。而且就算有啥事总是有刘阿姨的。

所以，我想到这些真的觉得我目前是最快乐的人之一，但我却忘了想想这5点，尤其是前3点，而一直为serena，mars和工资迟发而内耗。mental filtering思维惯性真的能把人生遮的出处是惨状和阴影。serena，mars这些发臭的路边草请从我脑子里滚粗吧，谢谢～

给Serena的一封信

 Serena，

你就是一个前台而已，但我不知道为什么心里总觉得你故意不给我按时发工资。可能因为工资每两周一发总是会让我想起，而且目前pr没拿到，这个工作又和移民挂钩，也不想找让刘阿姨让她觉得我很纠结她看来的小事，这些种种因素让我不想完全搞砸这个工作里的人际关系，所以会有时候情绪十分内耗。暑假前你说了暑假里更多老师拿支票，可以尽量准时 ，而且上次你也说了那次等5天确实比较晚。那我现在就不懂了为什么发的越来越晚。问了你你也不回复，你不是说保持沟通吗？这就是你工作态度？也许这个工资背后的水很深，有的你也不方便告诉我，但我不知道为什么，就觉得你在故意整我。你就是故意等到老外都要发下一次了再给我发。这样好像你在我上面一样，真可笑，有本事你不发敢不敢？你以前有几次明细表也是忘发，每次让我等的也很急，但我说话也都是客客气气。但是这次问了你你不说话，这就是你的问题了。我不会让你这样一个不重要的人影响我对教学的兴趣，也许这就是你的目的，但我不会傻到那一步。你就是讨厌我，那又怎么样？我根本不会在乎。因为你就像路边的一根草，未来我们不会共事，不会为升职竞争。mars也是，做事那么粗心的人，同样不值得我内耗情绪。为你苦恼真的内耗我精力，反正工资你再晚也要发。超过4周我就有充足理由给刘阿姨反映。虽然我在森林山的认真做事从来不是因为有阿姨的关系，但至少在这种不公平待遇上面我背后有人。也许你觉得你就是每小时18刀的工资但干了很多活，而我是30刀，但我也没有每周追问你，而问了你工资发的越来越晚的事你不回复，那就是你自己的问题。我不会让本来是你的问题来让我自己不高兴。工资迟发这件事至始至终我没有做错一件事，都是学校管理层的问题。你和我都是学校的基层，你估计工作量也不小，给我统计了一年的明细表你也有怨气，这样想想我也不值得因为你而烦恼。也许因为每两周发一次所以每次我都会想到工资被迟发吧。我不知道你和mars背后有没有串通起来整我，不过是又怎样呢。我不需要和你们每天面对面，我一周也就2天上zoom工作几小时而已。

 

等我以后从森林山辞职了，你和我也就像擦肩而过的路人 ，各走各的轨道永远不会相遇。我希望我现在就会和那时候一样，你的各种负能量无法辐射到我。

 

我的生活应该focus在积极的人和对我好的人，而不是你。你就像一根路边发臭的草，为一根发臭的草不高兴我也是不知道为什么。我需要想的是jean，william，刘阿姨，父母，外婆，以前的教授，以及让我feel uplifting的人。请你从我的mind里圆润滚粗。谢谢。

Michael

I don't care no more. I don't give a fuck about immigration

My mind, my thinking, and my speed of making decisions or forming judgment has been obviously slowed by depressed thinking, nervousness, and general uncertainty. i am not feeling happy or positive.

my life in north america has not been treated well. white people are selfish and albertans are rude. so why waste my time?

Don't be overly anxious about immigration. Just let it be. do what u need to do. but do not ruminate. do not over think. 

some thoughts on my long history of morbid procrastination

it even took me this long to write a confession about my procrastination problem. so u know how serious it is.

i think it's cuz i care so heavily and so serious about good results. sometimes i think im being lazy.

the lastest procrastination is the PGWP. i waited till last minuate, and i found out after i applied that my student status was no longer valid... i may be rejected for the PGWP. my whole 4 years of plan of immigration to Canada could be ruined.

my procrastination history started since i, if i remember correctly, started preparing for the toefl test. i think the reason was i was hooked on facebooking with online people from western countries...

then it also happened in college. i always wanted to do well in all my classes, but i guess at the same time i was away from parents' control, i didn't practice good time management skills and self study habits...and when combined wth perfectionism in grades, i chose to procrastinate, and for almost every class except Janpanese 101, i waited until last week and many cases, last day to cram for exams.

i always regret procrastination, but then the next semester it would repeat. like a ghost haunting

and then it was going back to china in 2013 after college, i waited and waited to apply for jobs. a lot of the reason was inability to adjust chinese life after living in the trinity and american bubble.


then i prosrctinated again on asking profs for recommendation letters. it should be easy to ask, but i do have to draft nice letters to request, so trying to write the perfect letter, i procrstinated, fearing they would refuse to write.... eventually 95% of them said yes. my false belief was wrong.


then same again for classes at u of a, challenging classes made it worse...

and then the PGWP, i procratinated so much to ask profs for explanation letter because i really really fear they would say no,,,,, so i kept ruminating. for months... literally... from July to November. wow... i thought and thought, and waited, and waited for months on the possible things after i ask them for the letter.... would they say no? would they ask me for details? eventually i waited until start of Dec. i drafted my letter actually only in 3 days in Dec. all the previous months was spent ruminating and now as i would say, a waste of time. because Todd turned me down coldly. and took me twice to convince Heather to write me one, and the one she gave me was written not in my favor... so i wasted all the months.


i wasted all the time that i should apply before my study permit became invalid in October 2. it was all useless thinking about it...


 i guess if i don't care too much about a certain thing. maybe i won't proscratinate.  i never procratinate cooking or other things. maybe cuz i enjoy doing them...

maybe if i go back to china, i should get a job that i at least enjoy doing... follow my passion, not immigration's job list which made me feel down and depressed and it was feeling so stupid.

but why did i procrastnate on buying canada goose for dad's colleague? that shouldn't be hard... why? im not sure...maybe it was selfish on buying things for parents first...


i know i may highly likely to procrastinate again, but i think what i should do is to correct my expectation for things. convine me truly that it's ok to do things wrong and ordinarily. it's ok to start early foolish and gradually improve on them. i hope, i really hope, evne though i still doubt i could follow what im writing here, but i really hope that i can heal from the nightmarish habit of morbid procrastination.

Writing on the date of Jan 9 AM after finding out i may be rejected for the stupid PGWP

some thoughts on possible PGWP rejection and going back to China

i found out i may be rejected for PGWP on Jan 8, 2020. if that happens, i have to go back to china. so naturally a lot of my thoughts and confusions center around going back to china and its anxiety.

i do have this fear of going back to China. after 7 years abroad, i have used to living in north america. i am used to the language, the people, met nice people, used to doing things the way north america operates.

the biggest fear of china is its intensive work culture. i read online about the 996 system of working and exploiting people to death. there is no fun, everything is work. and a lot of stupid rules and rigid things to do that is not actually improving the actual work.

for example, even in the MSL at the big beijing city, they don't issue interns with cards, so i had to secretly follow other ppl to enter building. treating us like secondary workers while expecting us to work a lot. this is just disrepsectful.

also, phobe doesn't actually know much things about our job such as how to do the monthly report, but she demands us to do it well. so stupid.. i hate the stupid training system.

it just occurs to me that a lot of things in china are not professionally managed. and i don't like that. in the north america, everything seems orderly and lawful.

secondly, the people. if i go back to china, i just wanna work in wuhan because im so mentally tired. i don't feel like i have the energy to work hard to make a living in 1st tire city. but wuhan people are known to be rude and selfish and like to take advantage of simple people. i don't wanna get taken advantage of.

also, you can't return products in china. but i like to try different cosmetic products, and in north america, you can return even after using. but in china, you can't!

also the food is not good there. there is very lack of organic food, no good milk, no good yoghurt. most food are high card. western food are very expensive.

i also don't like the authoritarian regime. no freedom. even though freedom doesn't equate happiness.


the things that i think are worth going back to china is my parents and other family members: both parents are getting old and have chronic illnesses. it's my turn to take care of them instead of leaving them alone. after so many years abroad, it does make me feel lonely at the inner heart, everything is on myself to solve. sometimes it feels mentally hard being alone in another country. so going home at least there are parents and other families to share my burden.

another good thing of being back to china is easier to find gay guys, either for sex or bf. not that easy in north america for someone like me who prefer asian guys.

i guess i have to be positive if i do have to go back. more and more it feels like it's my destiny. i kept making mistakes on my road of immigrating to either the us or canada. but i thought about them, worried about them, procrastinated due to them, almost every day... but still couldn't do it. so if that is the case, then i just have to come to terms with the fact that i have really tried my best and accept reality.

the younger generation of china have better qualities than western peers. so hopefully i will like china in the future by working with them.  the most toxic thing that made me fear china is, may be the insane work culture. i want to have time to work out, relax, and enjoy my hobbies. i have heard many cases of workers getting heart problem or other problems from long hours of work. that is just stupid on the work culture.

but, life is life. i don't think im that happy in north america, and i don't wanna go back to china and if i do i may be  not that happy either. so i guess i will find either one eventually to find my eventual balance.

Realizing I may be rejected for the PGWP

Jan 8, 2020. I was in bed and read an article on wechat by a Chinese immigration agency about recently rejected cases of PGWP... because their study permit was not valid when they were applying. all of the problems stem from me not realizing that one's study permit stops being valid 90 days after he completes study.

So i applied when in fact, my study permit was invalid, which was against the rule. thus, I may be rejected for the PGWP.

So, i was at first shocked, then i felt calmer.  cuz it just made me so tired. the whole thing.... i have thought, considered, planned the PGWP for 3 years ever since even before i arrived in Canada in 2016. and now i just found out this big mistake that i didn't know the whole time???

something must be wrong with me staying in the west. something must be calling me home. if i have no choice, then i will go home... it's just been so tiring. i had so high expectation on the prepration of the PGWP, and now it's like it's all ruined because i messed up on the first and foremost "status validity" issue!

I hate canada, i hate their way of doing things. slow and inefficient. cold and angry and rude albertans.

on their PGWP website they didn't mention the 90 day validity rule at all! son of a bitch. i will not waste my time and energy and worries in this country no more.

but i think if i will have to leave, i will miss the people that i got to spend true quality time with: william.

I will miss William for sure for quite a while i think, i will cry and cry. he's the sweetest and nicest guy i've ever met... without him, it's gonna be quite an adjustment for me...

life goes on. i'll see what  comes next...

Random thoughts on asking professors for Support Letter for the PGWP

The PGWP is a big deal, it really is. It is probably my biggest concern and biggest wishlist of coming to Canada. it is my ultimate goal. Getting my MA degree is only a connecting bridge for me. Even though due to increasing pressure from academics and the possibility of not being able to graduate, over the course of these three years, the PGWP is almost as important as getting the MA econ degree.

I have always worried about not being able to get the 3 year PGWP ever since starting to apply to grad schools as early as late 2015. I knew well in advance that if the immigration officer finds out that my program is 1 year, then he may very likely only issue me a 1 year PGWP...

After I came to Canada, through orientations and workshops and asking the specialists at the UofA's international centre, I was always given a vague answer regarding how many years of permit could I be issued, they always say half and half chance, due to the fact that my program website states that it can be completed in 10 months.  so i was always feeling uncertain and worried.

eventually, i came to terms with it. i began to accept to live with uncertainty... partly cuz academics was already drove me so hopeless and depressed. so i thought that as long as i made to graduation, i would still be proud of myself regardless of the PGWP...

two things worried me the most in regard of the PGWP: 1: if the completion letter doesn't state program length, then the officer may search website and find out the program length, if he does that, then im more likely to be doomed..... 2: new regulations after March 2019 requires both completion letter and transcript, but my 1st term was part-time.... so there is a chance i could get disqualified for the PGWP completely...

ever since entering U OF A in 2016, I have been asking many people regarding the 1st problem... but always no certain answer.... the FGSR told me they don't state length... so i was left clueless about how the officers find out program length.... different ppl told me different things... so there is always an uncertainty...

Eventually, after i graduated in July 2019, I finally wrote the completion letter request to FGSR after many days of procrastination and internal worry. cuz i really felt so concerned and worried if they don't issue the program length... then if that happened, everything i had worried and imagined would become true and come to haunt me... I have worried about the completion letter for 3 years...so i finally and eventually got the courage to write the completion letter request, I kindly added to provide start date and end date in my request...

God has mercy! God I love you. God must heard my cries and wishes for 3 years... When i received the completion letter in email, the FGSR included my start date and end date!!!!! that means the officer in most cases would just refer to this as my program length! All my 3 years of worries finally came to an end...I felt amazing on that day, almost felt like magic was being dropped on me... i felt so happy and blessed on that day...

But i still had to confront the 2nd problem: transcript.....ever since after the Fall2016 in which i withdrew 2 courses and became part-time, i sought help from the specialists from U of A's international centre... they told me it's better to get a support letter explaining the circumstances that happened in Fall 2016... I have always been worried about asking for it....

Im worried what if professors don't wanna write this letter, im worried about how i should go about writing such letter to professors in the first place. im worried and could feel disgusted in advance by the feeling of inconvenience and rejection if the professor refused to write a letter.

The worries are exactly the reason i kept procrastinating writing the letter to professors until around Dec 10 2019. I couldn't wait more, cuz Jan 3 is the deadline. so, i forebode the worries and concerns and fears, and still wrote the letters to Todd carefully... explaining everything i would like him to know.. it was a long email....

Todd said he's on medical leave and not working, thus cannot write a letter.....

I felt very dismayed... and nervous and sad and insecure.... cuz everything I feared came true: being rejected for a support letter....

But the rejection kind of motivated me to keep working... cuz i was like: ok fuck you, u r just a lazy prof who don't care for students and don't care for work. u just like ur leisure and stupid hockey. so it's ur problem and not mine. im gonna just do my best. i shouldn't waste time on a loser and fat guy like you who ended up sick anyway....

So on the night of the same day, i wrote another request to Heather Eckert, the bitch who wouldn't let me retake econ 599 a year before. I didn't take more time rewriting or polishing the email. i simply shortened it a bit for the sake of being concise...

She never replied. I sent her another email in 4 days, still no replies...

Oh well, yeah i felt a bit bad, but not that bad. cuz i know she doesn't like me and probably jealous me of being able to pass 599 and eventually graduate, which is everything against what she anticipated! hahahaha, stupid old fat bitch cunt. she was wrong with everything about me!!! she is probably being dumbfounded by the whole thing still... heather, oh well, stupid bitch. her CV shows she rarely published her own paper, except when she worked together with other profs. also took her i think more than 10 years to reach associate professor... stupid~~


so... everything i feared happening in regard to asking prof for support letter ended up coming true....
i felt a bit helpless, but at the same time i had this urge to fight against this feeling of victimization...... i video chatted with mom and grandmom about it, vented my anger and the stupid heather thing. and i actually felt not THAT bad........ being rejected by both profs actually lowered my pressure a bit, cuz now i just need to write my own support letter......


I already felt grateful about the completion letter's program length... so profs' rejections on the support letter wasn't a huge blow...at least one of the UA's immigration specialists told me it's perfectly fine to write the support letter myself... at least that gave me lots of assurance.


this is the last week before Xmas break. I must ask the UA's specialists everything i need to ask: about wether it's still necessary to point out the Fall 2016 part-time, if it's ok to write the letter myself, and other online application questions....

Just do my best. do what i can do....just be no regret... enjoy the process.

Some confessions before Econ 999 grade release

Econ 999 is the last class in my MA program. It may very likely be the last class in my career of formal schooling.  If I pass (C+ or better), I get my ticket to getting my MA Economics degree. it's hard, very hard, very very hard for me. From the first day of entering the first class in 2016 to present, there is not a single moment that I didn't feel fully challenged... every class I had to record the lecture to listen to it later, otherwise, I seriously have doubts of not being able to pass.


My anxiety got a lot worse after last summer's feud with that stupid fat bitch heather. After that, I just felt that anything can pop up and hinder my path to my degree.


For this Econ 999 class, I don't think I would fail. Even though after all the pains and sufferings and anxieties from Econ 599 and the shit with Heather, I still have post-traumatic stress/fears/anxieties about failing... I also have some anxieties about professor Vera, who always looks aloof and secretive. it may be just her Central Europeans personalities. but in Econ 598, she was extremely strict about grading. if you made just a single mistake, then the whole points on that question were gone! even though I struggled intensely and managed to score above average in the midterm, I  failed the final and got C+. So I don't know what's gonna happen for 999....  I just feel that this program is so weird... and unfit for me.... weird professor, weird things popping up... and stupid chair.


But for 999, I completed every component, did what she asked, and submitted everything on time that was supposed to be submitted. I also did not raise a red flag during the term, unlike during Econ 599. So even though I still have fears, anxieties, I think my chances of passing Econ 999 is higher than failing... Even if I fail I still have summer term to raise my grade...


Yeah, lastly, I have no regret for anything about Econ 999...


Im tired... tired of being anxious for nothing, tired of worrying too much that I feel like less a normal human being.  Tired of hiding myself in my library. tired of not passing a class.... for every core class, it have been this same feeling. it feels like shit..... Econ 503, 598, 599, and then another 599..... it was quite a struggle to open beartrack and view my grades..... im tired... and being anxious makes no difference. if my performance didn't get my a pass, then i fail, as in the case of 599 in winter 2018.... im tired.... tired of this program, tired of this school, and maybe tired of this country... i just wanna say: fuck you, fuck canada, fuck this pathetic public school U of A,  fuck the aloof-looking and cold canadians, FUCK heather, fuck christina, i don't care the outcome, cuz i did what i could do.

So i guess I'll just stay my cool and wait for the outcome then...

Something to think about for tonight

今天周二，去william家吃fish hotpot，来了几个他父母的朋友，基本都是老移民，在这里打工的那种。

其中一个上海的老移民，男的，50，60岁的样子，在大统华打工，听我说我来了10年了，还没有拿绿卡，就公开猜疑为什么。。。说我大学毕业后3年又开始读研究生，应该是身份拿不到，然后又说，他猜这样下去研究生毕业了还是一样的下场。。。。

反正就觉得酸溜溜的。。。可能老上海人就是这样的交流方式。

我心里后来一直在想，这种底层超市打工的老移民，估计当初身份也很难拿到了，现在看到新移民，就各种猜吧。。。反正就是小市民咯，底层的可悲的优越感。而且另外一个奶奶很nice的，听我说我读经济后脸上的表情就像是天下最差最可笑的专业一样。。。。。他们真的是很底层。。。。可能觉得非要在超市打工了才算是有希望？之前william妈妈也说经济是不是很难找工作。。。。。excuse me？你的儿子一个在dollar store做收营员，一个卖刀。。。高中生都可以做的底层好么？！ 真是没文化嘲笑有知识的。。


就这些事吧，本来我真的不准备放心上的，毕竟他们家的背景和我真的完全不一样。。。他们就是越南来的没文化，做生意的。我家公务员，真的很不一样。。。本来觉得愤愤不平的。可后来这些人也让我好好的想了下我的未来。。。所以。。。while这个上海瘪三男的很势力很多嘴很欠骂很此层很垃圾，但被他击了一下反而让我萎靡不振的生活状态一下子变的好想有目标好想成功。it's like：你说我很难移民很难找工作？我他妈econ专业你八辈子都学不下来，我以后找到的工作比你全家人都体面！底层小市民说的就是你！


我来加拿大苦命的花3年读研，不就是为了搭桥移民吗，现在终于999都上完了，拿毕业证不远了。可现在被搞得没有了激情，每天就是和william在一起到处逛到处玩，当然有很大一部分原因是我讨厌那两个德国室友晚上放video的声音，也讨厌matt关厕所门总是能把我一惊，所以我总是回避他们，所以总是和william在一起，晚上也总是在他家睡觉。可是这样的结果就是我自己的事总是被拖延。。。。找工作，准备工签，etc一直没看。。。。可是这些都是我的目的呀，都是移民呀！我真的是从999完毕之后一直在混沌的度日！没有自制力，虽然室友确实很让我讨厌是一部分 原因。我也恨自己为什么不发愤找工作有了钱自己住。



现在研究生的课都已经结束了，struggle is over。最难的都挺下去了。现在已经到了我当初要来的目的了：移民！！！


econ599遇到困难看不懂觉得要fail的时候，我总是和自己说：做到自己无悔就行了。只有用心把该做的都做了，最后我还是过了。


虽然移民的是我的case有点复杂，工签的问题很麻烦，但我绝对不能放弃，研究生这么难的挑战我都过来了，移民这点东西我绝对可以做到“把自己该做的做好”。


有几个人能读到研究生？有几个人又是经济的研究生？那些底层在超市打工的瘪三都看上去那么自信，我又有什么理由总是不自信？！改天去买双lacoste经典的白色sneaker，把自己包装起来，振作起来！我是聪明的，只是我的经历坎坷，心理有疾病，被它们有时候困住了。但我的潜力一直都在咆哮。就像heather打死都不相信我能pass 599，我他妈就给她好好的打了她的肥逼脸！呵呵。


今天本来我是要继续混沌下去，和william睡觉的。但我回家了。

明天，做自己该做的，我这么聪明的人，真没几个，有几个高中像我这样考去了美国奖学金？而我却没有自信？that‘s so sad and ridiculous！william的弟弟wilson读了个相当于大专的课程现在卖刀，今天在火锅的桌子上还很得意的样子，呵呵。而我说话却要很小声没自信，真的不应该。


真的，599那么seemingly impossible我都过了，其他的事真的难不倒我。


找出我需要做的，一个个做，一个个解决，我的智商这么高，没有做不到的。


只要我发奋了，目标就会实现。历史已见证。

It feels magical and surreal and ( . . . . . . )

it feels unreal... the though of "what if he gave me a C" sometimes came up... even though it does can seem upset to see i got a B- even though class average was 3.7... i don't know if it's cuz of his prejudice against me or it's really my performance.....given the fact that I worked my ass off for this class....

but i feel grateful and thankful to pass.. it's 5 grades up from my D last year...

I will remember what went wrong and fix them in the future, i will stay strong, i will eschew perfectionism, i will better my time-management, i'll be happy and be positive.

I faced the inevitable truth. Many thanks...

After at least 20 minutes of praying, I clicked on the link from the grade notification email.

I received a B- for Econ 599. Class average is 3.7, for 22 students. I am satisfied. I'm content. Thanks to the professor, thanks to myself, thanks to parents and grandma and all other relatives, thanks to online youtube channels, thanks to random online websites for metrics knowledge sharing. Thank God, thank laotian, thank William, thank my classmates.

Thank you all. I have been staying strong. I will keep staying strong. 

599 grades posted an hour after the "confession blog"

The grade was posted at 6:40 pm on Monday April 22. The blog was published at 5:30 Monday Apr 22. i checked email at 7:23 pm...

now im still at library. i haven't looked at the grades yet. my hands are trembling... heart beating fast... everything.... nervous, nervous...

should i look at it now? or should i wait until after the last final, which is in 3 days.... i think ill look at it now... so that the torture will be ok no matter the outcome....

God, please help me. if i pass, wish me future sucess. if i fail, please wish me to stay strong and be strong in future endeavors. God, please guide me in the right path regardless of the outcome for 599....

i think i'll look at it... there is no escaping...........

i'll go pee and then look at it... or ill go to hub and eat before look at it.... but.... ill have to face the truth and look at it....

toruturre will eventually be over..

struggle will be eventually over....

this ma program will be eventually over regardless of i finish ro not....

Wuhan, chINA...  I'll come to you guys regardless of the outcome.....

mom, dad, waipo, i will come to you regardless of the outcome......

life, death.... it's all natural form of existence on this universe....

human, animal, plants, all other matters..... came with a purpose....

accidents, no acicdents, naturnal disater, no ddisaster, there is a purpose...

be fearless, be strong, be content, face whatever....

here I am. the same michael, the same yuanqi, here i am...

No regrets for Econ 599. No regrets for this MA Econ program

It's not fair and not helpful for me to continue feeling stressed about 599's outcome. It will only hurt my future final exams. I have done my best for 599. That's what matters. I went through the process. I was being strong. So, be stronger! Be fearless! Life goes on despite a small and trivial class..... haha. When you reach 80 and you look back, a class is a sand on your path of life....

Sincere confession before Econ 599 final grade release

599 final was April 17, Wed, which was last Wed. Today is Mon, and tomorrow is my Econ 101 final, Thursday Econ 281 final.

Even though I'm now sitting in Cameron library's basement, supposed to be pouring full efforts into 101 preparation, i can't help but worrying about the imminent grade release from 599, because it's been almost a week since 599 final, so Pro Liu may be releasing grade in 2 or 3 days, based on last year's 7 days grade release since final exam day...

I can't describe enough how fucking worried and overwhelmed right now both physically and mentally... My head feels inflated with pressure, but heart is pounding nervously, my body feels warm due to the worrying... it feels nothing but uncertainty, like an imminent danger is on its way...

I keep sighing and sighing... i feel bad, i feel really really nervous, my head feels like it's going to faint, and it's all because of i really fear whether im gonna pass 599 this time or not...

Last year, my first attempt at 599 was a terrible failure throughout the semester... i couldn't understand a word from his lectures. the paper replication was brutal and i had no idea what to do... the whole course felt like an unguided journey to the black hole in the universe, and i am not exaggerating... so, even though i got a D in the end, i did't and i don't blame myself... Liu is a terribly and horribly incompetent teacher... i just don't blame myself for failing. it was the first time i failed a required course in my program. oh yeah, everyone has defeats in their lives. and there I came...

But I do worry everyday still.... I am worried dead about Econ 599.... it's been a demon for me, inflicting so much pain on me since last year. my heartbeat for sure raises whenever I think about 599.... I worry about failing it again, cuz i have been fighting to survive this MA Econ program for 3 years now, everyday was a challenge! my parents have been pouring money in my tuition and living expenses for 3 fucking years! in total, the financial costs is about $60,000 CAD for these 3 years... OMG... that's a lot, a lot, a lot of money for a Chinese middle class family... So you see why I am so afraid of not surviving the program.. because it simply has costed me and my family so much mental effort, financial efforts, and physical efforts... it's really really costly in multiple dimensions... so, failing is a crash on my family, a catastrophe on our hopes...

Ever since the first day in Sep 2016, the first day of class, i knew something is really different from my undergrad. i simply ceased to comprehend the lectures... at all... macro, micro, metrics... nothing like i learned before... it may be due to my mediocre records at college, maybe the widely recognized fundamental difference between undergrad and grad Econ, or it may be the different ways of schooling between the US and Canada. It's no exaggeration to say that it felt like an unguided journey to the black hole in the universe!

But i didn't give up. In the second week, i actually chatted with parents about quitting the program, since i may not likely to get the 3 year visa and the program is too challenging.. but parents persuaded me to stay and stick it out, reasoning that a master's degree is worth getting, even if i have to go back to China. So I stayed...

I wrote to the program Chair about my difficulty, and he suggested to withdraw courses, so i only took macro and environmental Econ in the fall 2016 semester... It was still very difficult for me, especially for macro... macro just seems . fundamentally different from my under grad. i don't know why... maybe im taking gap years of 3 years and brain isn't as good as before... it's amazing and challenging to feel this difference...

second semester, Econ 497, i still felt challenging. third semester, fall 2018, wow. micro503, metrics598, metrics399.... even though i didn't study all the time, but i can't think of another semester in which i was so stressed and nervous about classes... during the Dec preparation periods before final exams, the stress was just overwhelming... i didn't understand the metrics notes, and i had to ask the females prof every single office hours....she got impatient eventually... well fuck her for the unprofessionalism. same for 503... it felt magical that i passed both with a C+, it felt like a magical force grabbed me from falling down into a fiercely monstrous waterfall...

I was ecstatic about passing, but soon i was burned out (now i think), when it came to the next semester of winter 2018. also, there was my constant battle for perfectionism which is detrimental to success. Prof Liu, the worst prof i have ever had in my life, confused me in every aspect of the class. he teaches you things that will never never be tested... then the paper replication was about whole another realm.... wait for me for 5 min, im gonna post another fail rating on ratemyprof about him.... the WHs are never tested on finals... when i don't understand what's going on in this class, i panicked, i felt paralyzed... i honestly don't know what to do...  So everything about 599 is a joke! joke! everyone had some degrees of amusing thing to say about him! not so good thing! i will never regret in the future about hating him so much as a professor!!! just unbelievably bad bad.... he is a criminal compared to the amazing profs at Trinity...

i failed eventually with a D, a stupid and fuckingly ridiculous D, from a D rated professor (rolling my eyes as i wrote this). The there came the even more stupid suspension letter for the stupid and fat Heather Eckert, which i will never understand . think of is that: either she is a bully of power, a dictator, or: she is mental retard due to the fact that she is too fat to enjoy amazing sex life.


After the appeal process, i think i became more anxiety person. anxious about meeting my classmates from 599, anxious about Econ classes, anxious about retaking 599.... self doubting myself constantly. it's also obvious that i easily forget things which i didn't do often before... i think they have some associations with these nasty things that i had to went through.

eventually, there was January 2019, to retake Econ 599.... it felt shameful and of course, nervous, sitting in that classroom again. but whatever... it was a hard semester still, less hard than the first time cuz now i know how stupid he is. the first month was spent every weekday on metrics theory review and stata refreshments. weekends i still met with William for relaxation. first month came by so quickly... Then there came the bomb: paper replication.....  wow, so for the next 4 weeks, every single day... my life was revolved around the replication...... i recorded my daily details on weibo dir the entire replication periods... it was the countable one or two times in my life that i was pouring all my lifetime into something cuz i just feel like it's too hard for me and i really can't waste a second... the result was good, even though we never got a grade from him, but i felt i did well.... so hopefully it didn't raise a radar for him about me....

then there was this paper proposal which i had to personally meet with him.... it felt very shameful to write that email to confirm appointment.... it also took me lots of effort to write things down on a-few papers to present me as fully prepared.... and find enough data and things to prepare in case he has questions for me and i certainly never wanted to stand out as being clueless during the meeting...  sigh... so much pressure for that.... but eventually, the meeting went well, and he liked the paper idea, and actually said "good"...... it felt soooo relieved to hear that....... at least i didn't make a bad impression.... may even be a positive one....

the lectures this semester are confusing and hardly understood, just as usual.... but im used to it... the majority of notes are not gonna be even touched upon in the final.... now i know.... so i wasn't pouring my tears and sweats on wasting at the notes... thank god to the previous semester...

the 3 weeks following the submission of paper replication was mostly burned out... and i didn't do much... 2 weeks were wasted following the fiscal analyst interview notice, which got my so ecstatic but horribly nervous. Perfectionism re-surfaced, crashed my schedules, my life, my sleep, i really really really glad that it picked my resume for interview, and i really really really wanted to have that job!! but perfectionism never meet realistic expectations. it paralysed me.... i was thinking about the interview all week... but i just laid on bed.... i didn't take actual actions....... i really wanted to ace it inside of me, but outside of me, there was nothing done to improve my chances... i waited until 7pm the Sunday before the monday interview..... prepared the whole night.... couldn't sleep....at all.... I didn't get the job, which i totally expected.... they were considerate to send me the rejection letter the day after my 599 final...

i was right.. i said to myself, 599 is more important than the job... so the whole 1.5 weeks before the 599 final.... i put my life into it... i stopped cooking, and eating at the hub all the time. ho ho chinese food tasted really good. expensive of course... i kept a daily jornal on weibo documenting my mental progress each day...it was nervous process... during the day, i first focused on the theory part of 599, looking for outside sources to help me understand the main testable theories, cuz Liu's lecture notes are a joke. i found a youtube channel called "econometris academy" pretty good, as well as my introductory metrics textbook. i rarely resorted to using Liu's materials.... then at 10pm or 11pm, i would go to Tory to work on the term paper.... it was the first time in my life that i spent more than a week composing a term paper..... it was a challenging, rewarding, and nervous 1.5 weeks of preparation.... i remmeber one night i felt really really down and hopeless and nervous after failing to understand some probit and logit theories... then i felt paralyzed, all in my mind was thinking about receiving a fail grade in 599, and i wanted to kill xingfei, and i had to go back to china...... that night, i ended up wasting my time after 8:30pm until 3:30am thinking about unrelated matters....

then that night, after getting home, i wrote at my weibo blog about  committing the dangerous sin of perfectionism again.... warning my self that it's only gonna ruin my test preparation... i said to myself: you MUST be confident and MUST keep going no matter how confused you are or how you failed to understand materials... cuz you have to move on... so in the next few days.. i kept that in mind, and didn't commit perfectionism again....

i submitted my term paper to xingfei... in that zip file i added the mising value codes and paper stata codes.... everything that he wanted to see... he replied with a " Received, thanks".

then the next day,,, the final exam....... the eventual and inevitable slaughter house.... it was easier than i anticipated.... there was multinomial logit, IV, some stats related question, and 2 big policy evaluation questions... i prepared for these during preparation, and these were my main focus cuz i guessed his major focus on the final... it wasn't bad... i think i scored around 70 to 77.... not a great score, but at least i don't think it would fail the final.......

5 days after the final really really felt fantastic and stress-free. it felt like a disabled person finally got the chance to do normal things.... just as excited as that!!! my heartbeat felt so calm and normal, i tested my blood pressure and it was under optimal even in the first check... before the final it was always above the optimal reading for the first time. the effect of reduced stress on my physical health was immediate....

now monday, as i sat in the library preparing for tomorrow's 101 final, i suddenly became nervous again about 599's final grades.... even though i def did much better than last year, and i didn't raise a red flag this year, i still feel very very nervous..... i think it has become a automatic panic attack for me... until i see the final grade, i will always be super stressed about this class......

when i stress to the point of physical impairment, i write them down.... it feels kinda like talking to a counselor...also i want to record my mental journey during this most stressful time of my life, soin the future i could look back......

Two outcomes for Econ 599: pass (C+ or above), fail (C or below)...... i have no clue which i'll end up....  i have so much concerns... i even changed my name from Michael last year to Yuanqi this year, hoping he will remember me less.... i don't know if he is so stubborn that he thinks he will keep failing me this year... i don't know if he thinks that a student who committed plagiarism will never deserve to walk out of this university with a MA degree.... i don't know if my term paper this year will give him some , at least some, positive impression..... so many uncertainties.....

But regardless.... regardless what he thinks... it's outside my control now...i have done my best to survive this class, i have doen my best mentally to keep going this far.... my whole family has done their best to root for me.... we have done everything we could... So, no more wishing he could blablabla... no more... life is life... If an 9.0 earthquake struck, then there was your fate.... on 911 attack day, there was their fate for those 6000+ victims in the twin tower... So, whether he passes or fails me this year, it's my fate.... it's part of life.... failure is normal, success is also normal... so, be calm if you see 599 grade of C or C-. Welcome it. You have improved. Embrace the improvement.

China is getting better everyday, Wuhan is getting prettier every day. if i fail, well, I go back to Wuhan... i don't think this time i wanna go to first tier cities anymore. I just wanna feel cozy and be close to my parents, my grandmother. we can go visit places in Wuhan on weekends, live in their suburban house, eat interesting foods... and i will never have to waste shits on stupid roommates anymore....

So, stupid Xingfei Liu, go fail me! fail me! I am not afraid!!  i will never succumb to you no matter the outcome is! fail is life, success is life. My aunt's daughter didn't finish middle school, and she is doing fine working at a community police station in Xinjiang earning 1500 yuan a month, very basic salary, but she didn't starve to death. she is at least happier than i am. and the more I endured the turtute, the more i hope i can be a happier person.

so just go fucking fail me Xingfei. really. i have done what i can. I am a human. I make mistakes, I make progress. I also make people change. I make people love me, I make people look down on me. I make the world change. I make myself different based on world conventions. I am a human. Just go with the flow. don't commit crimes. love my parents, love my grandmother, and most importantly, be happy, be content, be grateful.

I do still feel nervous, but i'll talk to myself to focus on my tomorrow's 101 final. That's all for now.

Xinjiang Soup Meal (新疆汤饭 Xinjiang Tang Fan): Family Recipe

Xinjiang Soup Meal (Tang Fan) is an incredibly hearty dish all-year round, with plenty of vegetables, proteins and delicious soup. It's also extremely versatile because you can choose your favorite veggies and meat to add! It's one of the most popular dishes in Xinjiang Uyghur Autonomous Region of China.

Ingredients:

1. Peanut oil (recommended) corn oil, or canola oil. 

2. Veggies:  2-3 Tomatoes, 1-2 potatoes, 1/4 radish, shiitake mushrooms(Xianggu), cilantros, 5 to 7 garlic cloves, 1 small ginger, 1 green Chinese onion, carrots (optional), 4 to 6 celery sticks (optional)

3. Meat:  Any lean meat of your choice. Cut into small dices.

4. Sauce and seasonings:  1 can of tomato sauce, Chinese style vinegar, Chinese style light soy sauce, Chinese style dark soy sauce, salt, ground black pepper, Chicken powder

5. Short-cut pasta (penne, elbow, Farfalle, etc.)

Some pictures ( for newbies...)

Chinese style light soy sauce:   “Lee Kum Kee” brand 

 Chinese style dark soy sauce: “Lee Kum Kee” brand Mushroom Dark Soy Sauce. 

Chinese style chicken powder: 

Preparation:

Step 1.  Mince the peeled garlic cloves, peeled ginger, and Chinese green onion. Peel potatoes, radish, and carrots. Cut all veggies and meat into small pieces.

Step 2.  Put the wok on the burner. Use high heat for the burner. Pour in 100ml (3.4 ounce) of oil. 

Wait until the oil is hot enough before adding anything!  Let oil warm up for about 3 minutes. Cooking ingredients in tepid oil will not deliver delicious taste.

Step 3.  After the oil is hot,  add ginger, Chinese green onion, and pork tenderloins. Stir for about 30 seconds.

When the redness on the meat begins to diminish, immediately move to the next step. 

Step 4.  Add ONE SMALL SPOON of vinegar and ONE SMALL SPOON of DARK soy sauce. stir gently to avoid sticking. This step should take NO LONGER THAN 20 SECONDS.  

Step 5.  Don’t lower the heat. Add all the chopped veggies to the wok except cilantros and celeries. Stir for 30 seconds. Then, Add 1 small spoon of salt, 1 small spoon of ground black pepper, 1 small spoon of Chinese style chicken powder, 2 small spoons of vinegar, 1.5 small spoons of light soy sauce, 1 small spoon of dark soy sauce.  Keep stirring for another FOUR MINUTES in this step.

Step 6.  Don’t lower the heat. Keep stirring until you see juice coming out of the veggies and the veggies become moist. Use a spoon and taste the soup to see if you need to add more seasoning. If it tastes bland, add salt to increase saltiness, add ground pepper and chicken powder together to increase delicious flavor. It IS OKAY FOR NOW TO MAKE IT SAITIER because you will add water in the next step.

Step 7.  Add cold clean water and 1 can of tomato sauce. Stir well. The water and tomato sauce need to be a little above the veggies

                                         

Step 8.  Cover the lid and wait for the water to boil. 

Step 9.  When the water is boiling, you can finally lower the  heat from high to medium. Taste the soup to add seasonings if needed.

   

Step 10.  Let the soup cook for about 5 minutes. Then, add the celeries. Then, add the short-cut pasta. Stir well.

  

  Optional: in the picture below, hand made dough sticks are used in authentic Xinjiang style, instead of packaged pasta.

Step 11.  Add 2 small spoons of vinegar. While the soup and pasta are cooking,  taste the soup to see if more seasonings should be added, such as salt, ground pepper, or chicken powder. The soup is supposed to have sour taste from tomatoes and vinegar as well as delicious taste from chicken powder and ground black pepper.

   

Step 12.  When the pasta is cooked, add the minced garlics and cilantros to the final finish.

Step 13.  ENJOY!!!!!